*index finger to lips*

For a long time now I have thought about deleting my blog.  I've lacked the emotional drive, mental strength and physical will to move fingers over keys to produce anything at all.  It's not that I don't feel, but it's kind of like I don't feel.  I don't know how to place words together anymore, I don't know how to dive deep and create anymore.  My ability to write has been stunted.  I have been told to not express myself, that my emotions are too much.  The one I was once able to talk to for hours has silenced me into a corner with no room to grow.  I have been infintely "shhhd" and now even my blog suffers because I have been quiet for so long that I lost the words that I wanted to say.  My blog is the only thing that listens, and I have nothing to tell it.  So now I hold my index finger to my lips and silence myself for a while.

and i wonder...

if im thinking about you...i wonder if that means im on your mind too. and if i am...are we thinking the same things?  simultaneously wondering what each other is doing, thinking, feeling....does it mean that we miss each one another? i often wonder if anyone will 'get me' the way you did....doubtful.  not sure that kind of thing can be repeated in a lifetime.  glad it happened with you though.  and with that being said, does that mean i will forever be misunderstood because you beat them to it?  will an over-sized question mark reside over my head (metaphorically speaking of course) and only fade away in the presence of you?  if so, i wonder if anyone will ever get you either?  the way i did...fit the way we fit...talk our talk, dance our dance, sing our songs.  is it even possible to have the love of a lifetime....twice? maybe....if when we die we are reincarnated into who we were 3 years ago (nearly to the day)...and i wonder if that was possible would we love each other doubly deep and twice as thick?  and i cant help but wonder.........

elle-oh-vee-e

Love is never fickle.  It is thick like brick walls and morning fog....conquering and fearless.... it is the existence of passion and lack of regret.  Love is that which makes us human.  (random thought)

its not you, its me.

i couldnt resist the cliche because it so accurately illustrates my state of mind.  its not you, its me.... well really....it was girlfriend X.....she instilled this bitter emotion deep in my roots and here i stand stuck with the residue of love on my tongue.  ive tried gargling with anger and rinsing with tequila, but still it stains my memory like red wine.  she is the red lipstick on my collar that i couldnt wash clean...and of course the easy resolution would be to try on a new shirt, toss the red lipped one aside and shape a new style....but i keep it tucked away in the back of my drawer.  i find myself pretending to forget that i still have it....i look where its hidden for something when in reality i yearn for the glimpse of that full red lip print....like just one glance and my world will be right side up again.  silly of me to think that would fix my world right?

its not you, its me....
so please dont take offense, just know that i am saving you from any future of wasting your time, smart ass remarks, canceled dates, stories about her and your own tear soaked pillows.  sounds harsh, i know sorry about that.  dont take it personally.....because really, its not you, its me.



*originated sometime after a lifetime of break-ups

i want to write something profound

i think that i need to start reading more, or maybe learn a new word everyday because lately...i have been feeling all used up.  my words arent what i need them to be, they arent illustrating/depicting/describing what i need them to.  they just seem to be letters lined up next to each other with no significance.  i feel like a painter using only grey paint on an already grey canvas....nothing stands out.  my diction should be abundant.  there are only 3 million things happening in my life all at once, you would think that i have something to say about it all.  but i dont, i got nothin'. flatlined and in desparate need of a jump start....see not even those analogies worked together.  i dont want to jinx myself, but i think i lost my mojo.  i got sucked into this morbid routine and have adapted to the tunnelvision that is school and work.  i need to be delivered into change, whether i feel as though i am ready or not.  my fingers used to dance so freely over keys, creating something that i could be proud of...words that people might want to read a few times, but sitting here in this moment, i am blank.  this entry in itself is just gibberish, insignificant letters piggy-backing other letters forming irrelevant words met with commas and periods for pause, just in case a valid thought comes to my mind......(insert valid thought here.....still waiting)  

** currently searching for my lost mojo

recall.

i lick my lips and i taste yours...
yes i still remember what they taste like, how could i forget...why would i want to?
i still remember what you do when you try to fall asleep, and how cute you are in the middle of trying to remember a thought....how your anxiety would make you jittery and how you couldnt make coffee for me but tried anyway time and time again because you know i gotta have it.  i remember how much you forget...and thats where we balance. 


(unfinished...in more ways than one)

postcard to love

love,
where have you been? ive traveled the length of my life to find you. had you in my grasp and you slipped away...shattering the being that i had become because of you.  i brushed away the broken pieces where i was sure you would be hiding, and in the corners of my mind i thought i felt you there, no pun intended.  is this your version of hide-and-seek? if it is, i surrender.  i wave the white flag to you love and forfeit all of me.  grounding my feet right where i stand, unwavering and certain that love is where i want to spend every breath.  where memories are created on top of memories already existing, so many that we have stories to fill a lifetime.  so much love that it spills over into lives of strangers because we want to share. 



(to be continued)

legitimacy

it stopped meaning something to you, and has continued  to fill me anyway.  so does your lack of it and my abundance even it out to nothing? 

late night diaries deux

melt into me...blur the lines and let us be.
forget the tainted reality and just...... breathe,
remember who we are to be, infinite.
love more pure than Heaven and solid as stone.
though shaped through heartache and mistrust...
our eyes met and hearts beat, synchronized.
love drunk and content with it.
your smell left on my sheets as if its supposed to be there.
your curls wrapped around my fingers
my legs wrapped around your waist.
we fit.






just like you, short&sweet

late night diaries...

its been one of those days/weeks/months where its like I'm just waking up and my eyes are still squinty, vision blurry and I can't quite blink it away.  almost like the answers are right there, on the tip of my tongue and..............they just aren't making sense to me yet.  words slurred because im intoxicated, sloppy with the reality that I endure and cant get sober quick enough before time catches up to me again... not intentionally negative just playing the cards i've been dealt...with no fluffy expectations(hi my name is Jessica and I'm a realist)

i've managed to fall in love, lose it and cling to it anyway, fall in lust with distraction, date liquid courage, have late night affairs with my remote control, cheat on my common sense with my emotional personality, bat my eyelashes at seductive situations, make love to the ideas of past romance, fuck complete strangers with my words, and still end up at home, alone, with my lap top writing late night diary entries to keep me entertained.  is there no such thing as intrigue anymore?  or have I analyzed, observed and compiled every possiblity to find that my mind is tired and my interest is lacking?  impossible. too many possibilities left to discover and destroy and rebuild again.  like a mad scientist in her lab, I plan to forever create until words stop roaming my mind and my lips stop moving (you dont have to like it), producing real shit, the ideas that make you think and wonder "what if"...because you never really know what you are getting into until its too late to turn back... is it wrong for me to say that i enjoy that most?  or typical of my sometimes manic self to climax from the distortion and chaos that is eternal and sometimes unforgiving...?   i would apologize for rambling, but this is the truest illustration of my current state....im an organized chaos.  there are no clear cut explanations for what my mind/heart/soul feel only bits of thought gathered together forming incomplete ideas that are who I am....right now.  and instead of looking for answers, i have gotten quite comfortable in this grey area of uncertainty...nestling myself in its neck, and tasting the sweetness of it which tastes a lot like rum and coke mixed with insecurity and a splash of what now?  no worries though, i have set the pace and i'm right on track for.......

(more) gibb

I'm a rebel in my thoughts, exercising my insanity ... Drastic emotions, fluctuating rapidly...remaining calm on the surface because the world's not ready for me yet.... (Random thoughts)

Another bitter love poem, tears stain the sheets it's written on, with a hint of mascara and dignity...sleeping by ways of crying spells...leading to unsweet dreams waking me before sunrise....swollen eyelids split carefully, salted tears reaching the tip of my lips, my tongue to lazy to taste them away...exhausted from asking why. Why doesn't matter though, the answer won't change the dull throb, it will only bring life to more questions. So ill be quiet now...and listen to myself heal, its therapeutic. (random thoughts)



Forever cannot be proven because none of us will ever be there to see when forever meets eternity...but what I can promise is that I will give you all of my days and hope that will suffice. (Random thoughts)


 
I want to lose my mind, so it's no longer an option to think before I speak...raw truths spilled to insecure ears stab like dull knives...reaching the corners of my internal, spreading like fire through my veins...reminding me of the sting I became all too familiar with...a numbing throb that blends in with weak heartbeats. (Random thoughts)


You have become my favorite weekend vacation...leaving without going anywhere, just relaxing in you. Safe travels and good conversation. You are my gateway to a getaway...and I want to stay there for a while. (Random thoughts)


 
I miss those little things that were big things because she did them...


Its true....you can love someone with all your heart, but sometimes it reaches a point when love isn't enough to keep it going.....(Not so random thought)


 
I have fallen victim to your charming wit and gazing eyes...don't save me from it though, my smile and I like it here...we plan to stay for a while, if that's okay with you. (Random thoughts)


 

gibberish....again

i would love to have you over....hot tea and slow music...windows open so we can enjoy the world and all its smells....before we get close enough to breathe each other in. skin on skin, spark goosebumps and racing heartbeats...warm breath met with moist lips....i would love to have you over.... (random thoughts)



I scowered my vocabulary, got on my hands and knees shuffling through words and phrases....I searched in the deepest corners of my mind and the warmest parts of my heart and couldn't find the words to say to you....so please, can I show you instead?? (random thoughts)


today is the day when the moments flow effortlessly...when sunlight welcomes me into the afternoon as if it waited for me to arrive. mother nature's melodies in my ear coming through my open windows, just loud enough to hear over my flighty humming as i sway my hips and groove with my surroundings. this is where love waits in anticipation for the next chance to fill me. (random thoughts)



And I became new (again)....shedding scars, whole and no longer absent minded because I relocated my common sense and stored it where my heart was....(Random thoughts)


I dive low, below wastelines and hip bones and get high....perfecting the equilibrium that is us. (Random thoughts).


Sometimes I forget what your love tastes like....or maybe I just like when you remind me. (Random thoughts)


You are a movement. An ever changing, always evolving being...and I love to watch you. Move me.(Random thoughts)


I despise the hole you left behind, and I found myself trying to fill it with irrelevant conversations and late night television...but I'm good now, I think. Or atleast my mind is hypnotizing my heart to believe it to be true. That'll do...for now.(Random thoughts)

Thinking deep...floating to the top though...right at the cusp of knowing and uncertainty... (Random thoughts)

Be brief, but take your time....(random thought)

I'm curious to know what you think, but ill never ask, I'm more comfortable with what my imagination has created for us right now... (Random thoughts).Let me know when it's safe to fall again....I hesitate because I just found all the pieces of me. So this time, make sure you catch me. (Random thoughts).





 

 

gibb.

I want to free fall into you...without fear. and as i am introduced to your secret depths i will memorize your every being so that i can truly say, i know you inside and out (random thoughts).


 
There comes a moment...when you're sitting still, in silence, and you realize exactly who you are, and in that moment...it feels like you're falling in love. (Random thoughts)

gibberish (not so much)

I wish my heart could speak for my mouth....it knows just what to say

My Little Prince

On March 11th, at 2:11am a prince was born.  Noah Jalani Michael Burkes

He has personified perfection...

I am going to love him beyond forever.

gibberish.

The evidence of our lost love still resides in the corners of my smile....sitting there awaiting a relapse of the thing that we once were... (Random thoughts)


 
 
I sing with my soul exposed, my eyes closed and in the back of my mind, I remember that you love my voice...and so I keep on.  (Random thoughts)


Lay your lips on the nape of my neck...seduction. (Random thought)

i am

i am ...
the product of my shattered environment
so that makes me broken.
unidentifiable.
a poet with no words.
painter with no brush.
singer with no lyrics.
i lack the instruments for perform my craft,
i am empty handed...empty hearted.
where do i go from here?

sunday

 

acoustic sounds (as if i know what im doing)

green tea

homework

keep on.

intrigue is my personal aphrodisiac...so keep on with your slight glances and simple grins, because it deepens my hunger to learn you...and encounter the darker parts of you.  i want to know you over and over again...each time finding something new, making me wonder 'whats next?'  and with that walk of yours, i love following behind you, watching you move and I've decided that i have fallen in love with the back of your neck.  i find myself smiling for no reason other than the thought of you.  so please, keep on...i cant wait to not know everything about you so that you allow yourself to keep my intrigue in tact.

(to be continued...)

gibberish.

i love the eclectic style that is your being...and just your breathing is enough for me
(random thoughts)

if the world stopped...

if the world stopped spinning today, and we were all thrown forward, would that change things?  would you feel like you missed out on something and needed to grasp onto it in any way you could?  would you question choices you made?  would you declare your love or regret ever investing it in the first place?  would you start thinking about how much you should have done? 

if the world stopped spinning today, i would hope that i could bump into you long enough to tell you i love you again.  i would find a way to make the world spin, so that we could have more time, more forever...because we are infinite.

I wish I could stop time, even if only for a moment, so that my reality can catch up with my daydreams...and with that time give just enough pause to rebuild what has been broken...heal completely so that only faint scars show to remind me where I have been and justify my strength....(Random thought)

gibberish words

i wonder if my words are heard or just noises that leave my lips and go unnoticed...breath wasted on pointless expression because when my body aches and my heart cries you turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to excuse yourself from having to care...to pretend you didnt know i am broken...

*random thoughts

untitled.

incomplete thoughts fracture my mentality into a size unnoticeable
i am unseen and unheard as if drowned out by loud music
beating, drumming, screaming through to you,
but you dont hear me
i am a tiny whisper in your ear that you flick away like a bumble bee humming beside you
when before i was loud... a mighty lion in your memory that you refused to ignore
where did my voice go?
or is it still here, you just turned me down.....mute.
my cheeks freeze from my icicle tears
i am not warm blooded
cold to the touch like winter wind because your firey eyes dont look my way anymore
instead i shutter by the graze of your cold shoulder
i scratch away my nail polish to keep my fingers busy
i tap my feet to the ground to remind my heart how to beat on rhythm
sometimes i am forced to tell my lungs how to breathe
they momentarily forget that i am in fact alive

(to be continued)

gibberish...?

when you fall in love, and you get your heart broken, if you are lucky enough to get a heart transplant....will it still hurt?  or with a new heart come new love and emotion?

nothingness

i want to make music, write lyrics and be the song stuck in your head.
but unfortunately for me, i have nothing to go on...
so i will be stepping away from this...and if i come back
it will be with limitless force, i think....maybe.
idk....right now, ive got nothing.

... stay tuned for my possible return.

For lack of better words...

im weighted down. like my feet are soaking in fresh cement, cant feel my toes move....am i dead? is this the in between? the moments before my last breath escapes my lungs and my soul drifts from  me...
i have moaned the words 'im dying' for months, is this really it? ive grown bored of hearing my cracked heart try to stabilize, i hear it attempting to regulate heartbeats, but it struggles.  weak with hurt and anger and lovelessness.  i am numbed from my experiences but wouldnt give them up for the world, so is this actually suicide?  does love really mean death? because when its gone, i am only left with the framework that it filled.  i am split open and hollowed like a halloween pumpkin, but atleast those are interesting to look at.  i am an empty being, a ghost, barely human.  i ramble about past times and fantasize about what a future would be like.  i scribble nonsense on spare paper .... thinking that maybe putting random diction to paper will liberate my mind of the hell i live in.  i find myself looking over my shoulder, and then stopping and just turning around, awaiting my demise to meet me and shake my hand.  sounds arent sounds anymore. smells arent as sweet.  music isnt as passionate. nothing is what it was, before. this is it.... this must be it. no bright light though...just end.