my heart fell in love with your mind...
but your mind is made up

.lost.

usually when people are lost, they are in unfamiliar places.  foreign territory that they don't understand, frightened that they can't find their way out.  but me, i am lost in my own mind, my home.  heartache is not unfamiliar to me, but this time, its dizzying.  even sitting still isnt sitting still anymore.  life is spinning me in circles and twisting me in shapes im not meant to bend to.  lost in darkness when the sun is out.  confused with answers i am given, filled with questions i dont understand.  falling behind in my future, keeping me trapped in the past.  my tears cry sideways in this place, my sighs are silent because they won't be heard anyway.  locked away, shut out, and forgotten.  easily replaced by faces, drinks, noises.  i am tucked away where i can't be released from.  hidden away in a memory, a series of moments that cease to exist.  lost in a world with only one resident, me.  no tourists, no visitors.  just me alone, wandering in open spaces, reaching with my arms hoping some piece of my old reality will grab a hold of me and pull me back into happiness.  extending my arms as far and wide as they can stretch, shoulders are sore from reaching out days at a time with no luck of capture.  i dont want to believe what my mind tells me, but i remain trapped here because no one wants to find me.  its hard to tell the days apart in this place, the only thing i know is that when the sun lowers itself from the sky, and meets with the moon its another day lost. 

Like the title says…im love stained
I wear it like a target over my heart, just in case people don’t know where to stab
its my Achilles heel….my strongest muscle but my weakest spot.
And when you have managed to sneak in, there is no turning back.
You are loved forever, even if you don’t want it,
Because then, my love stains you.
And When you walk, its hidden in your shadow, keeping watch
Because I have your back,side,front,top and bottom.
Its so much more than I can handle, but I love trying because youre worth it.
The stronger my love gets, the weaker my knees get when I smell your scent
See your smile…
Hear your voice whispering my name…
But…
What all this means is that when we started we were days closer to the end…
you found my Achilles heel.
And it kills me still, because you knew that was my weakness
And broke it anyway



My bleeding heart/love stained

life support

Untangle me,
Stomach in knots.
Short quick breaths….anxiety put me on life support
Not strong enough to breathe on my own
My chest collapsed, my heart is gone.
Scrambling for something to throw in there….give me my pulse again
Artificial is better than nothing I guess….
At least then I won’t feel my heart break.
 
( currently in ICU...but do you see me? )

Can we slow dance?

We don’t need music…just hold me there in that place so warm.

Gentle,gentle.

Ill sing to you…hold my hand to your heart so I can keep rhythm.

Perfect.

My eyes just whispered ‘I love you’

I hope you lips whisper it back…

untitled (for now)

Lacking that emotional stability your love once provided….instead tipping sideways wondering where the time went. The breeze blowing through the hole you left behind when you took my heart hostage, sending a chill down what remains of my contorted spine. No longer able to stand up straight, I am now responsible for carrying the weight of hurt, heartache and regret bundled on my back, their claws ripping into me, making sure there isn’t a moment that I forget what happened. I wish it away, pray it away, will it away…but there it is, constricting me. Wearing me down while I wear it like a scarlet letter. F for failure. Or maybe its S for stupid. I can come up with more, but I think you get the idea.

Im not entirely sure if I agree with the saying “its better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all” because this shit hurts. Losing hurts…its like dying and being stuck in limbo. Not able to move forward because you are so hopeful of having what you did. Walking through days, not knowing how you got where you are, literally and metaphorically speaking, zombie like… the loving-dead. And when you wake, all you want to do is sleep, and when you sleep all you want to do is silence your dreams, black them out so that you don’t see or hear or feel with your mind what your body misses. And when you dream, you rather it be a nightmare to scare you into reality, just to make you want to sleep again….twisted cycle. Love is a sick joke…I would kill to laugh in it again.