(s)mell

I smelled this smell, and I thought of you. So I puffed out my cheeks and filled them with this smell, this aroma....I blew with all my strength, pushing that smell up into the atmosphere....making it dance up into the Heavens where you reside, so that maybe you would inhale it and know that it was from me. And for my memories, I took an old mason jar and filled it with that unique scent and sat it next to my bed so that I can can be reminded of you...so that even when you aren'e right here, you aren't really gone either.



(to you)

My Torture.....

(Esthero - My Torture)

For anyone who doesnt know this woman and her music, you are truly missing out.  She is grimy, raw, jazzy, sensual and real.  unlike the radio, her music is good.  its deep...penetrating, makes the wheel turn in your mind and gets your head bobbin' at the same time.  i am sititng at work now. listening to her track "my torture".  you know its a good song if you put it on repeat to make sure you dont miss what she is saying to you.  Its one of those, "gotta here every word" songs.  which brings me to this point...have you ever reached the point where loving someone ended up being your own personal torture?  loving so deep and not being able to have that love returned equally....or maybe loving the wrong person even though it feels like you are doing it for all the right reasons?  who has been your personal heaven and hell?  your torture....your pleasure and pain.

Question 2?

Is it possible to ever fall in love as deeply as you did the very first time?  - or - Once you have fallen out of love with someone, can you ever fall back in love and it be better than the first time you fell?

raindrops

(outside of my building )

im up early again for a couple extra hours at work...and lucky me! i get to stare out the window and the rare AZ weather that is goin on right now.  it is beautifully overcast, cool winds and sprinkling.  i love this weather more than you know and i cant wait to get home, get comfy and have a cup of coffee and just breathe in the rain air.

omg!

(not my actual bike...wish it was though)

i started my new shift today at work, 12 noon to 8:30pm.  it's not bad so far.  i get to wake up and have a relaxing morning, no rushing from bed to shower to closet to work.  it is a more chill, mellow morning.  i took my dogs for a walk, made a good hot pot of coffee.  enjoyed sitting on my couch watching a little tv and then started to get ready for work.  i was trying to figure out what would be most comfy to where to work after riding a bike from my house to my job.  so i searched through my closet and found my black leggings that i love oh so much.  i slipped into them, found a spandex type top and threw on my "Jesus shoes".  i said my goodbyes to the pups and BFI and hauled my bike down 3 flights if stairs.  yes, you read right 3 flights.  and for those of you who don't think it is such a big deal to have a nice bike ride to work, think again.  I live in Arizona...enough said.  from my house to my job its about a 6 mile trip.  and let my also mention that i have not ridden a bike since i was probably 10 years old.  and even though you never forget how, it was an intresting adjustment.  i just start peddling, and it doesn't feel so bad at first.  there is a slight breeze so it isnt unbearable.  i can't help but smile because i am using a cheap and environmental friendly alternative to getting around town.  and then i start to sweat...yuck.  now i am an athlete and have been my entire life.  so sweat isn't something i am a stranger to, but i am going to work here.  i have to be professional, so i started to frown more than smile...and then my ass started to hurt.  not like a good workout hurt, like a OMG my ass is raw from the seat kind of hurt.  but i just kept on pushing and peddling and yessss!  sweet victory!  i made it to work with almost 20 minutes to spare.  those 20 minutes were definately needed to help my body and booty cool down from my 6 mile umm death ride. lol  but it was worth it. 

one of those days

i am having one of those "leave me the hell alone" days. the kind of day where i am too sick and too tired to deal with people's garbage. i am irritated, frustrated, annoyed, angered, tired, aggravated etc. i am ready to get up and move away....far away. to a place that even if only for a moment i can catch my breath before my daily battles start up again. i want to leave and disappear into a place where i dont wake and have to wipe the stress from my eyes. does this place exist? because i am having one of those days today....

to love is to live....then why do i feel like im dying?
its bittersweet really....more bitter right now than sweet... tangy i guess
draining.confusing.amazing.heartbreaking.hurtful.joyful etc.
dreaming of something and it becoming reality only to possibly slip away again is numbing.

currently : hoping for the best of my wishes to be granted.

Early to bed...

...early to rise

I am at work early today, and I am lacking my caffeine fix. Waking up early isn't the bad part...its the sitting on my ass for the next 8 hours that KILLS me. I have been an athlete all my life...basketball, track,soccer,volleyball,swim,football (yeh I'm a tomboy)...and here I am, 23 years old and I work in a building, with cubicles, and headsets. YUCK right? All the exercise and activity that I used to be a part of has withered away. And now I am just a regular person with a regular job. How boring is that? I think that it is about time that I change that! Routine is not for me AT ALL....time to spice things up a bit. wish me luck :)

Time Travel

its hard to go forward if you keep going backwards, but shit present isn't working out so well. it's not flowing, meshing... whatever! wouldn't it be nice if we could go backwards before going forward sometimes? even if only for a mintue to be reminded of how good things used to be. a kind of "refresher course on love/life/etc. so what if it's not in the right order, i'm really not one to conform all that much with others, i have my own think pattern, so hear me out....

let's take a walk...backwards, as fast as we can. walk - jog - run - sprint!
sprint as fast as you can with me, i'll hold your hand so we end up on the same day in time. time travel with me back to where it all started. you know, back in the day with the nervous, anxious butterflies. The heartbeats racing because we miss each other. those good 'ol days. come on! run faster, back peddle faster...lets "get there"

i want to re-learn you. re-discover your purities, your fears, your strengths. go slow though, so we can take notes and memorize it from the very beginning. "favorite color : red (check).....how many tattoos : 14 (check)" the easy stuff out of the way, so stop running backwards and lets take a few strides forward...
the part where you told me that you loved me for the first time. the night that our bodies sweat together. the days that we would rush home to be right back in each other's arms...PAUSE
let's live here for a little while....i dont mind being stagnent in this place, it feels good. it feels warm, comfy & cozy. feels like home
no rush to leave, take off our shoes, lean back in this time and allow every cell of our bodies to remember these moments, so that when our time travel expires we can perfectly recreate our better days.

TIME'S UP!
flashing back to the present, quicker than we went back in time, hold on tight. dont lose grip of those memories, clench them in your fists and hold them close to your heart, they are safe there. and now that we have gone back...

allow me to re-introduce myself. Hello, my name is Jessica.

idk

idk...i dunno...i dont know!
i am spinning in triangles, because circles are too easy. i have my feet planted on the sky and my hands straight up reaching for the grass. wait, backwards....no thats about right. crawling through chaos, misunderstood...overstand me, understand me...listen. i need me, i need to know me, be me, love me, free me! grabbing at things with my toes, cant catch shit! my hands dont work like they used to...cant seem grasp anything...butterfinger type shit (metaphorically speaking).
drowning in the sunshine, gasping for air at the bottom of my cute little wine glass. lick it clean.

im thinking....thinking...i figure i should introduce myself by spelling my existance out to you. dont miss a letter, a comma, a period....its priceless. i am everything that you can live without, but hope that you chose not to. i am everything that you arent....maybe one day you will allow me to complete you...no no probably not. i am. i am insecure because of my self-cruelty...please please no pity though. i know that i do it. im trying to be more self rather than the cruel part....give me time.

lets take a vacation! come dance with me on the water...no music. dance and sing... silently, feel it. no matter what we do, we are imperfectly on beat. let me jazz it up with stillness.

idk. i dunno. i dont know!!!
eyes dont twinkle at the mention of me, they just shift elsewhere. smiles dont sparkle, they dissapear. hearts dont race! they ....calm "ahhh"
no adrenaline rush...butterflies dont flutter....they flop.
dont they? thats what i think anyway.

let me stop rambling....
ill just keep my feet on the sky and my hands reaching for the grass
and maybe one day that will make sense.

Never have I ever...

...been affraid of new places.
...trusted without fear of betrayal.
...loved with cautious thoughts.
...hated the people who broke my heart.
Never have I ever...
...not forgiven the people who do wrong...even if forgiveness is not what they earned.
...sang a song without feeling what it meant first.
...been one to "color within the lines"
...been a Daddy's Girl.
...been bored with my imagination.
...liked Ranch dressing (ewww)
...been good at saying no.
Never have I ever...
...been a person who depends on everyone else.
...wanted to live anyone else's life but my own.
...been anything other than a Laker fan lol.
...been to Spain.
...wanted to be a celebrity.
...been a kiss ass.
...sang on the drop of a dime for people (too nervous).
...had my toes in black sands beaches.
...gone skydiving.
...swam with dolphins.
...loved someone more than I love her.

Never have I ever...been more ready to see what tomorrow brings me.

L is for ...

oh...the L word. 
which word could i possibly be puzzled about today? LUST? LOVE? LESBIAN? LONELY? LAZY? LESS THAN ENOUGH? or could i be thinking about all of the above...i lust for the feeling of love and have been categorized by so many as a lesbian because men just cant get it right...so i must be lonely and just settle for the caress of a woman because its easy...is that where lazy comes from? and with my feelings of inadequacy i feel less than enough to please you...or anyone.  so which word has my mind wrapped in knots and torn into pieces at the very same time? NO! I dont only love because i have heard it feels good. NO! i dont ache for her touch because i cant have his...but YES i do settle. I am so out of balance and confused...dazed by my everyday dissapointments... coming home to a not so "home sweet home". i ignore my desires and sacrifice my happily ever afters for you....for what could be someday.  i settle for good enough instead of waiting for greatness.  i sing songs of love but cry oceans.  looking in the mirrow i shake my head and question myself...i let out a sigh and pretend im okay.  i have pretended for so long that i have almost convinced myself that there is nothing wrong...but everything is wrong. when will i stop pretending

.you.

oh how you have managed to twist my simple routine into a vibrant adventure...

you have covered me with your smile and surrounded me with your immense beauty...and somehow i have unintentionally grown to you.  dive into my fantasy and swim in my forever....dont leave but remain here.  even when you are not by my side... people see you with me....in my smile, my eyes, the way my lips press themselves together, the switch in my hips when i walk in those stilettos you love me in, when i bat my eyelashes...thats you.  the light happiness that spills out of me in laughter is you.  the butterflies that escape the cave of my body decorate the morning skies and dance their way right back into the pit of my belly everytime i hear your voice.  so much still a mystery...let me solve you.  im willing to go undercovers...sheets and pillows...shirts and shorts....down to bare skin to know you.  i envy your smile because its so close to your soft lips.  i envy your eyes because they get to witness your reflection.  i envy your hands because they are the most familiar with the curves of your frame. i envy your heart because it lies deep within you where i want to find myself someday.  and with each breath that i draw in ...and again release from my body the intrigue overpowers me and causes me to lose my breath all together... and every part of my body that you have become to know begs me to re-introduce you to it again.  and at night when i lay there in the quiet my skin whispers to me how much it misses you. because you are what i crave. you personify my desire...i lust for your taste.  in my mind i find myself wrapping up in our memories so that they keep me warm like a blanket until you return.  and as i search my mental for you i remember. remembering isnt good enough....if only our shadows could be frozen in a photograph we could sit and enjoy our sweat for always....followed by forever and whisked into eternity.  but you are shy...so instead i memorize your smell, your sweat, you skin so that i can create my own piece of art and hold it safely where it can not be tarnished but preserved just for me.  ( to be continued )

.fever.

heat me up....make me hot...love me. hold me still to feel every movement that my body creates with yours...feel my pulse thru my body, notice how it synchronizes with the thumps in your chest. you see me for who i am....you found beauty in the length of my eyelashes and the light reflecting in my eyes....thank you. you give me this heat, this fire......call it fever if you want. a fever that is not quite cured with your touch but heightened with your kiss....lets break a record....make it rise....guide your fingertips slowly down my back and become familiar with every goosebump you inspire. poison me with passion and make me see things that i have never seen....feel pleasure i have only imagined...and taste the sweetest fruits of you. tonight, i will become your favorite flavor...and you will take all of me growing more anxious at every lick. make my body sing a melody, act out a movie....let our shadows dance on the wall. i want to write our own song, our breathing the chorus, our moans the hook. slow down the tempo for just a minute...did you catch your breath? Good...round 2... you have given me this fever, my blood has run hot imagining being wrapped up around you...on top of you...becoming unified with you. i want you, i need you...supply my desire and come to me. overpower me...mold me into what you want me to be for you tonight. role play.

Damn

Make me say damn,  you know how to.....you just blow on that spot that I like....find my soft spots and see how sweet they taste.  Baby....make me bite my bottom lip as it quivers from your touch...lick me,bite me,scratch me,break me down.  Mold me into a new masterpiece with your sex.  Da.......mmm baby, my heart found a new rhythm to race to, and as my lungs fill with the hot air our bodies made I breathe u into me....I take you even deeper than you thought I could.....I feel you there....inside.  Im almost there, make me say damn baby....make my eyes do tricks...make my eyelids close so tightly a tear falls from the love we make.  Make goosebumps take over my body like that is how my skin is supposed to feel.  Harden my nipples by having your lips dance around them....make me say it baby....make me scream it....moan it....arch it in my back.  I want to have nail marks on the walls....wet sheets....messy hair....and a cigarette when we're done....baby speak perfection into existence and please me like its your job.  Take me there.......come with me, and then cum with me.  Make me scratch thru walls...I want the neighbors to hear us...baby.....damn!

Monsoon

I have lived in Arizona for most my life. And though I am still not used to the blistering heat...I look forward to the summer time, mainly for the best part of course monsoon season. The monsoon season here is awesome! The dark skies and pouring rain is the greatest...I have always loved the rain, ironic since I reside in a huge desert. This may be my last monsoon season in Arizona.....I will be sure to enjoy it.

Champion!

Just in case you didnt realize it....MY LAKERS WON!

that is all....good day :)

My Friday!

Yayyyy! I am just 2 hours away from my weekend start! Its been a pretty chill week. Nothing bad, nothing great, just steady. I dont know where this amazing Arizona weather is coming from, but I really hope that it stays around for a while. It is gorgeous outside. Definitely driving with the windows down, Will Smith's Summertime song playing loud thru the speakers, and some yummy sweet tea in my QT cup. It is going to be a great summer, I can just feel it

hugs & kisses

.me.

Auto-Crap

So Jay Z performed a new song recently "D.O.A."..... its a song about the whole autotune epidemic and how every so-called artist is using it now. I am glad that someone with a solid rep is talking about how it is ruining hip-hop.....

Jay-Z took aim at the overuse of Auto-Tune with his new song "D.O.A.," and although he claimed T-Pain wasn't a target, the Brooklyn MC admitted he wasn't sure how the computer-aided crooner would take his track.
"If T-Pain got to feel a little brunt behind that, then I'm cool with that," he said Monday afternoon (June 8) in an interview with New York radio station Hot 97. "I'm all about the culture. It's bigger than the politics. If T-Pain felt like he wanted to never talk to me again, I would have been cool with that."

Though Kanye, the song's co-producer, and DJs like Funkmaster Flex and Mister Cee sided with Jay-Z, not everyone was onboard. Some younger rappers haven't supported Jay-Z's anti-Auto-Tune crusade.
Harlem, New York's DJ Webstar, who had a hit using Auto-Tune with his song "Dancing on Me," Tweeted about "D.O.A." and his thoughts on Jay. "Who heard old ass Jay Z hating?" the youngster wrote.
Jim Jones also took aim at Jay on Twitter. "An old sucka, LOL," Jones Tweeted. "We back, and if he kilt Auto-Tune then we must be Easter, the resurrection, LOL."

Ummm are you kidding? Who the hell is Jim Jones to be running his mouth? All he can do is ad-lib on his tracks and sound like an idiot with random sayings over a beat. And the pathetic thing about DJ Webstar, is uhhh...who is he exactly? I guarantee he owns all of Jay-Z's music, and he is now trying to act like he is one to be approached when you are in search of REAL HIP-HOP. I have to agree with a lot of artists who say hip-hop died....the radio is playing garbage, everyone sounds the same with the auto-tune. It was cool at first, but now you don't even have to be talented, all you gotta do is groan into an auto-tune tube, and you have got a new radio "hit".

I want good music back!

a good book

I haven't sat down and read a book in a few years....horrible I know. I have had a hard time making time and an even harder time finding a book to hold my interest. For those of you who know me, I am a huge CSI/Criminal Minds/48 hours fan! I love figuring things out (planning on being a forensics psychologist/criminal profiler) so I stumbled across a book that I bought years ago when I was still playing basketball for NAU.
Our whole team bought books to read for all of our road trips to different universities out of state because we were always flying somewhere and needed something other than the same 'ol homework to occupy us...so we all purchased books and kind of had an NAU Book Club for a little while. I blew right through one book by author Patricia Cornwell, Body of Evidence and soon after got another one of her books, All That Remains. I brought it to work today, because Sundays are always dead, and began reading. I had forgotten just how much I love books and loved getting wrapped up in a good story. Patricia Cornwell is a suspense/mystery author. She is a great writer, and she really has great description in her novels so you truly feel like you are right there with the characters.
I can't wait to get through this one and move onto the next...

Duldrums

slouching in my spinny chair at work........Twitter is boring....work is boring...im stuck in the duldrums. please save me!!!!!!!!!

My Boys

Needless to say, I am a Laker fan. Not a bandwagon fan, I'm a throwback Magic Johnson and Kareem Abdul-jabbar fan. I remember watching old games of them playing on tv or tapes that my dad had in storage. Well my love for the purple and gold has continued all 23 years of my life....and now my boys are back! LA Lakers and the Orlando Magic are set to battle it out tonight for game 1 of the Finals. Best believe I am going to be glued to the tv screen...with drinks, BBQ and screamin' and hollerin' all night for my Lakers. I say the Lakers take the Championship in 6 games. Can't wait to see how it all plays out tonight. Hopefully the refs are fair and dont call bogus fouls/technicals like in the playoffs. LET'S GO LAKERS LETS GO!!!!!

Names

So, my BFI had a blog about her baby name....very unique (Poet).
dont worry I am not planning on getting pregnant anytime real soon, but i did start thinking about names.
here is what I have always wanted to name my kids....(subject to change of course)

first born boy : Jackson Dee
second born boy : Trey Michael
first born girl : Jada Lyn or Jade Christina

hmmmmm....what do you think?

sinking...

...in quicksand.
sucking me deeper into the grimy hell i am trying to so hard to escape from. but instead it consumes me and i cry sand....scratching the surface of my eyes, further blurring my vision. now i can only hope that it swallows me whole, and spits me out a new person.
(awaiting digestion)

Foot-gasm

B-F(ly)-I

she is the shit! she is my best friend, my family, she is who i tell all my secrets, who i get into trouble with, she is who i cry to.  and she is so FLY. love you BFI  

  Me.

Psyche

What do you see?

IBU 800

thats what the giant horse pill said on it right before i threw it to the back of my throat and chased it with Dr Pepper crushing the ice between my teeth. anyone who knows me knows that i have to almost be dying to take any kind of medicine.  well i feel pretty close to the white light..... my tv in the living room was silenced, " do you want to delete this episode now? yes or no" is what it said to me on the screen...yep, finished another CSI re-run and was ready for the next one.  i already know how it ends...guy cheats on girl....girl gets pissed....girl kills guy. the end.  Next .... what is next exactly?  

i can barely hear my thoughts over the pounding of my head.  then i start thinking, what thoughts do i have right now anyway?  i wonder what things really are....what feelings are real or is it always just my intense imagination....? is there a difference?  can someone really love so deeply that they feel like they will die without that person?  yes...no...maybe...undetermined.  my imagination has allowed me to dance thru love stories and fairy tales, and yet somehow my clock always strikes midnight too soon.  my horse and carrige turn back into a pumpkin, my glass slippers shatter around my feet, cutting my soul.  notice i say soul....each end of a fairy tale slices me deeper than the one before it.  eating away at my being, my existence and my desire to roam through the next Sleeping Beauty, Snow White story.  

i am unaware where my imagination ends and my reality begins.  i love closing my eyes and picturing things how i want them to be....closing them so tightly that i cant open the, until my "dream" is done....hoping that one day i will snap out of it and my reality and imagination equal up to the same place and time. where i no longer have to rely on my thoughts but can take delight in my own story.  

days have started to blur into each other.  not ever really ending just going and going, the sun hides from my eyes for a little while but its all the same day, everyday, every week....

i need something to change....better or worse (prefer better) ...just need it to be different/refreshing/golden.  LIFE! STIMULATE ME.  make me lose my breath.  

im going to let this IBU 800 settle in and then life is taking me out on a date...cant wait.

"living my life like its golden"  J.Scott

Puppy Love

The past couple days have been no bueno at home. My puppy Swoop (b's up) started to not feel so well. She is normally a very happy pup. Tons and tons of kisses, and excitement. Always waggin her tail and jumpin' up on the couch to lay right next to me if not right on top of me. A few days ago she started vomiting and was levels below her normal, friendly personality. We assumed that maybe she was dehydrated and hot because the AZ summer heat has begun./ We gave her plenty of water and a cold bath to cool her off. She continued vomiting...BFI got Pepcid AC to calm her tummy and keep her hydrated. The next day she was halfway between what she was previously and her normal personality, so we decided that the Pepcid worked and she was going to be fine, then she took a turn for the worse. Saturday morning, she was a zombie. Wouldnt even react to her name. We said enough was enough and took her to the Vet. A Parvo test and $210.00 later we found out that she was infected with the Parvo disease. They stuck her with a shot to keep her from getting sick and then a huuuuge needle for an IV of meds and fluids. She had a camel hump under her perfectly speckled coat of fluid to keep her body hydrated. The vet gave us 10 shots and 2 full IV bags to take home, and he advised that it's no guarantee but it would help her body fight the disease. So now we are watching her every move to make sure that she doesnt get worse. It's a scary thing and a miserable thing to watch...cross your fingers for Swoop. Love her too much to lose her.

Silence Speaks In Volumes

sitting in a quiet room...i allow the silence to consume me....no whispering...no background noise...no heavy breathing. just me and silence...stillness. and in this silence i can still feel the way we felt, together. if i listen close enough, the emptiness that occupies the air surrounding me has a voice and it speaks to me...ironically loud and clear. it tells me that i have been left here alone, questioning who i am and who i was with you....and with her...and that other girl....and them. the quiet allows me to hear the deep past and the present....i listen for the future, but it wont tell me anything. it offers no fair warning....no caution signs....it just remains silent. and with my ears i search for answers....eyes closed, hands in my lap....meditate. i so badly want to hear the voice of silence again....so i sit there. completely frozen with anticipation and eagerly await the whispers of nothingness. breathe in....breathe out. suddenly silence vanishes and i hear everything. jumbled together are the conversations we had....our laughter....our favorite songs.......... i hear you saying how beautiful you think my eyes are...especially when they are looking right back into yours. i hear my bedsheets being ripped from my bed...swished around us on the floor....i hear that one night when you had me pinned against the wall and all i could do was dig my nails into the white paint and scratch my moans into it. i hear us kissing....moaning...breathing the same air. i hear us...when we were we and us still existed. and again...suddenly it was gone. silence was muted and spoke of nothing. it was as if for a moment my ears were like hands and they lost grip of the beautiful sounds that we were. not noises...but sounds, melodies, songs, stories, poems, sonnets, symphonies............and the emptiness returned again. i want to get lost in the silence, so that i can be still in our memories....because silence speaks in volumes

Grip

I live in the absense of you...as if I'm stretching myself to fill the void you created when you walked away so easily. And in this black hole that has developed and managed to completely smother me with loneliness I dwell. I sit in wait, twirl my hair, count sheep to fall asleep. Back and forth I pace until I lose track of what day it is. Because you robbed me of my common sense. My ability to distinguish good from bad...left from right.....I'm dizzy. And as I pace back and forth, forth and back my legs buckle and I tire from this journey that I have unwillingly embarked ..it started out as a journey to search for you, for your love and your touch....and along the way I lost me. Who am I? Who am I without the existance of you? I am this person, this being walking thru each day...a robotic routine....wake, work, sleep........tired from the emptiness of myself that stained my pillows with tears and marked my body with scars of you being ripped from me. its like....knowing ahead of time that you would leave didnt lighten the pain, but forced me to recognize and carry the knowledge that this was just a limited time offer....a take it while you can get it oppurtunity. So i did....i grabbed a hold of you with no intentions of letting go.....made it up my mind that this brief moment would evolve. that you would evolve, that i would evolve....that it would be a "we" .... an "us"....one. You, I hold on so tightly....my knuckles white,sweat surfacing in the creases of my life line and my love line of my palms....dampening this "awe" ...this infatuation....this thing that i have for you.....this thing. this unsure, unstable, completely hazy, baffeling, puzzling, amazing, magnificent, beautifully brand new thing. Walk away....i wont, i cant....walking away from you...this brief window of this thing....walking away from this intrigue and curiousity and fascination is walking away from desire and dream come trues. So, my palms sweat between my love lines and life lines....my knuckles whiten and cramp....but i hold on

Lovers & Friends // Guru

last night, a friend/ex-lover told me i was her Guru...
when we were doing what we were doing in the past...one person thought things were clear and naturally the other had different thoughts on the situation/relationship altogether. so the lines began to blur....which generated misunderstandings...hurt feelings...fights...tears...etc. it took a long time (still somewhat occurring) for the dust to settle and things to be as normal as they can be, considering the circumstances.
after all the bickering and silent-treatments, and nonsense...i was shocked to hear her say i was her Guru.....ahhh but of course there was a catch. i wasnt her Guru in a positive light...apparently i was such a bad person to her that she just became heartless altogether and wont let anyone close. Ouch right? saying things like "you made me see that i wasnt good enough..." or other stuff like " you still have my heart in your pocket, no one else has it..." she says that i taught her so much about herself, and situations...but you know how people word things to make it sound like you helped them in the long run but when you ask the horribly curious question of, "oh really...how?" they unload all the things that you did to them, whether intentionally or unknowingly, and it makes you shrink down in your seat...that was my story last night.
i never intended to hurt anyone. i never do. i did my best to make things clear and understood...but everyone knows that when physical levels/boundaries are reached or crossed when only starting out as friends, emotions will get involved and it is nothing that a person can control. no matter how much a person tries to hold back love/like...it sprouts all through you and it just happens.
and that is what happened....it just happened.
and when it started to take off on her side...i remained where i started. parts of me changed but not significantly enough to go back on everything that i said in the start of it.
both of us were honest about our feelings, it just didnt work out for either one of us the way we wanted it to. since that time....we drifted and have done our own thing. talking rarely...but she is that friend/ex-lover who will always be there because that is the person she is...its just built into her character. and when i needed her recently, no questions asked, she came through, thankfully...and we spoke like we had been best friends everyday. there was smiling and laughing and weight lightened on my shoulders because it was refreshing to be "normal" with her.

so i guess i wonder if you can ever really be lovers & friends or do friends w/ benefits ever really remain that cut and dry?

crush

who needs cupid? i fell all on my own.  im already swept up in your existance.  i swell with anticipation and exhale pure desire whenever i hear your voice. i have got the world's biggest butterfly residing in my belly and it dances in there everytime i see you.  i get love drunk from your taste.  dizzy from the sweet smells that are you.  i want to lay with your skin so that our bodies become best friends and grow attached at the hips, lips, breasts, thighs. i miss you before you leave and only have satisfaction when we re-unite again.  my craving for you is insatiable...endless...eternal.  our love is plenty and i still cant get enough.  i think i might have a crush.

F*CK

Today has been a bad day and it JUST started. First of all...my BFI is suuuper sick. Fever,congested,sore throat the works. I got her meds last night and she got a lot of sleep last night....so I was hoping she would be feeling a little bit better when morning came....WRONG. I have never seen her sick like this, because she rarely gets sick...and it came completely out of no where! I got up to get ready for work and got her some steaming hot Theraflu hoping it would soothe her throat. She ended up getting sick and walking down the stairs to rush to her bathroom and throw-up. Needless to say, she is still feeling like shit.

After I her some more meds to knock her out and let her sleep, I hobble** down the stairs to get the car and go to work....key in the ignition...turning and NOTHING! The damn car doesnt start!!!!! I sit there, " Are you fucking kidding me?!!" Again, I find myself having to call work and let them know that I am going to be in late today because the car is not working with me right now. Could be the starter, or the brand new battery we just bought. Shit who knows...
So then I had to hunt down a willing driver to get me to work asap...got to work and I am sitting here now...steaming out my ears and tears welling up in my eyes because it seems like I cant catch a damn break.


**hobble: i say hobble because last thursday i had the pleasure of breaking my big toe on my left foot. needless to say its swollen, and beautiful shades of purple on the top and even prettier hues of blue on the bottom.....lovely

.daydream.

I had a daydream....of us...you watching me, me writing, in tune with my music, in another world, almost forgetting that you were right there beside me. I wrote of us being in a place, a place far off in my imagination, a place where the sky was always the color of the most beaufitul sunset that we had ever been privledged to see. Pinks, and purples and oranges....peaking thru tall rugged mountains, finding its way into our bedroom....onto our sheets, warming our skin. I wrote of the sweet smells of us....still humming to the music echoing in my ear, my hand moved smoothly over the white paper, scratching out and erasing and evaluting my thoughts....you watched me. I was creating poetry, you were sketching me in ur mind....we are artists. Sculpturers of our desires....gifted. Gifted because we can immitate our passion by manipulating it into a physical form. And letting people touch taste and see ....us. You're still watching, I'm still writing....watching writing....watching and writing....listening to the soft sounds pouring out of my headphones...I'm writing. There's that pink sunset again, seeping thru the cracks in the blinds, piercing into your eyes, making you squint....you adjust your chair so it is not to distract you from focusing on me....me writing about you, us....past. present. fairy tale future. blood, sweat. tears....dreams. The stillness surrounding us doesn't enter our minds....I'm still writing, pausing for just a momnt, my pen is out of ink....and as I replace my blue pen, for a wonderfully full black one, you reach out to me but don't touch....you are worried I will lose my momentum, my concentration, so you place your hands close enough just to feel my body heat, and you watch. one of my favorite songs come on, and I start whispering the words without even noticing that my lips are moving... "sometimes you make me smile.....I can feel you, I'm missing you "....and with that gentle whisper.....page after page I write. Sunset turned to sunrise...and your eyes had not grown weary of my seated posture in that wooden chair, in front of that window overlooking those tall rugged mountains with the sun glimmering thru....I had a daydream....of you watching me....me writing about......us

Forecast

I scream into the wind, only for my voice to pound right back into me....surrounding me, its my best friend. I cry sideways, the tears wet the corners of my eyes, and horizontally paint my face with pain. Caught up in a whirlwind of emotions....a tornado of realities I don't want realize, a thunderstorm of tears, if I'm not careful, I might drown. The earth separates and sucks me into it, dissapearing without leaving a trace of me...forgotten....never known. I slip away into a realm of nothingness as if I never was, thrown from one side to the other....sometimes sneaking back into your world, just to walk right next to you and remain unnoticed....as if we are strangers....don't you remember me? Don't you remember the sweat that night on my sheets? Don't you remember how my lips tasted? Don't you remember? And before you start to embrace the thoughts of how I made ur heart throb, the earth pulls me back into it. Selfish, not daring to share me with you...just trapped below the surface, forced to survive off our few memories.....playing them in my mind like a flipbook. And as the pages of our book run out, I scramble for a pen and paper to draw new ones. New images, new daydreams of you and I together...smiling,laughing happy (together). But the wind twists in jealousy and swallows up our fairy tale flipbook, mocking me by spitting it out with all our memories torn from it...leaving only the residue of the salt from my tears behind. So easily erased, so this time I reach for a permanent marker, making sure that I press so hard it bleeds thru the paper....not allowing us to be distinguished so effortlessly....and in mid stroke of telling our story, I drop deeper into this hell...further away from you, and leaving our lovestory behind... incomplete and never to be read.

Conflicted

my mind has been just as empty as my blog lately. i dont want to blame it on stress, because that is just way to easy, and usually writing is my cure to, what seems now to be incurable, stress and uneasy feelings. im really not quite sure what the deal is. shit is piling up, emotions and thoughts are just taking over, i feel mummified in distress and blanketed in unsure emotions. work is irritating. school is null in void. love is...............? i am just blah. i can fix the work thing by getting a different job, but why? money is fine...coworkers are awesome, so okay i will stay. school will be finished up soon enough, hopefully a graduate of PSU. love is ummm well its goin'. no one ever said love would be easy but really...why is it this fuckin' hard?!? everything that is worth it is worth fighting for....and i have my gear on ready to take on whatever i have to to have my heart truly loved, unconditionally.

sometimes i find myself lost. weird right? how is it that you find/lost at the same time...? i wreak of confusion and dissatisfaction. i bleed chaos and insanity. i sweat uncertainty. i am everywhere and absolutely nowhere at the exact same moment. each day is so routine, you would think that i would not be lost but completely organized and centered....understanding of what is to come when i turn my alarm clock off every morning, and like a zombie get up and get ready for another day at the office....

i am very clean, neat organized etc. (almost boring)
but i need change...excitement (without drama)...i want to invest myself into a project...or travel...or quit my job and join the peace corp. something....ANYTHING!
I am 23 years young and have a lifetime ahead of me....but it feels as though i have a lifetime behind me already. i want to stretch my wings and entertain new ideas, learn new places, adapt to different things. i want to put myself in a new strange position and embrace it.

all these things that i want....
no more time for want....
its time that i DO

............today i start to fly.

Weekend

As you can see below I had a pretty good weekend, and it all started on Thursday. I got off work an hour early (yippeee) and rushed home to do a little cleaning and organizing. People who know me well know that I am almost OCD with cleaning. I have to have things in their proper places and things must be clean. Friday morning, I woke up and watched a movie with my best friend and after the movie we laid there...
S : " I feel adventerous today. Let's do something different"
J : " Have you ever been to Sedona?"
S : " No."
J : " Let's go!"

And then we went. On the way to Sedona, we stopped at Sunset Point to stretch my long legs out and snap some shots...got back in the car and picked up where we left off. We drove up there and just kinda felt our way around. I haven't been up there since I was playing ball for NAU so I was playing the guessing game, but sometimes that is the best way to find your way to new places. So, using the trial and error method we stumbled upon an art gallery that had opened that day. We pulled in and walked around, gasping and snapping photos of the different sculptures that caught our eye. After the gallery, we jumped back into the car and carried on through the little city. Passing Slide Rock, we found a little road off the main road and turned down into, well whatever it was. I parked the car and we got lost in the trees, rocks and beautiful creek that we found. We walked through the rocks, wearing Old Navy flip-flops, climbing boulders, trying not to slip into the freezing cold water. Who knew Arizona had so much green hiding in Sedona. It was gorgeous...the air was cleaner, the trees stood tall and strong, little fish swam in the water, and there was a still and silent personality amongst us. It was a great excape from the big city.

After our little "hike" we went back into town and had dinner at the little hole in the wall place. We were of course the only brown people that sat in the restaurant, and by the way they looked at us, you would think that we were the first people of any color that had ever walked through the door. It didn't bother us...we laughed it off, grubbed and dipped out. When we got back on the road home, it as already pitch black...so to keep us awake and aware, we put on a whole random selection of tunes and rocked out all 110 miles back home to Tempe. It was a short yet sweet vacation that we both desperately needed.

Saturday:
Now, on Saturday morning, I was knocked out. When I say knocked out, I mean, sprawled out on the bed, still and completely satisfied with the dreams playing in my head. My phone goes off at 7:15 AM. Yes, that is right, AM. It's my girl Kayla telling me to get my ass outta bed and get coffee in my system because its Salt River Saturday. Now, she told me the night before that they wanted to get an early start, but everytime we say that we really end up screwing around and not getting out there til about 11:00. So, I figured it would be like any other river trip.....WRONG! I was up in a bikini at 7:30 in the morning. I got Stina off to work and rushed home to get my river stuff ready. Talie came and picked me up and we were on the road to the river to meet my girls for a girls day out and afloat. Needless to say, alcohol was a plenty and we were floating in more ways than one (lol). The river trip was cut a little short for me and Talie, had a little scare, went to the hospital and were there until almost 10 saturday night. All is okay with everyone and now...it's Sunday. I am pink from our sun-fillede salt river experience and have a bottle of lotion attached to my hand, smearing it on my skin every 30 minutes.

all-in-all...my weekend was awesome. I am lucky to have the good friends that I have.

This weekend was a sneak-peak of what is to come this summer, can't wait :)

Sedona 2