Time Travel

its hard to go forward if you keep going backwards, but shit present isn't working out so well. it's not flowing, meshing... whatever! wouldn't it be nice if we could go backwards before going forward sometimes? even if only for a mintue to be reminded of how good things used to be. a kind of "refresher course on love/life/etc. so what if it's not in the right order, i'm really not one to conform all that much with others, i have my own think pattern, so hear me out....

let's take a walk...backwards, as fast as we can. walk - jog - run - sprint!
sprint as fast as you can with me, i'll hold your hand so we end up on the same day in time. time travel with me back to where it all started. you know, back in the day with the nervous, anxious butterflies. The heartbeats racing because we miss each other. those good 'ol days. come on! run faster, back peddle faster...lets "get there"

i want to re-learn you. re-discover your purities, your fears, your strengths. go slow though, so we can take notes and memorize it from the very beginning. "favorite color : red (check).....how many tattoos : 14 (check)" the easy stuff out of the way, so stop running backwards and lets take a few strides forward...
the part where you told me that you loved me for the first time. the night that our bodies sweat together. the days that we would rush home to be right back in each other's arms...PAUSE
let's live here for a little while....i dont mind being stagnent in this place, it feels good. it feels warm, comfy & cozy. feels like home
no rush to leave, take off our shoes, lean back in this time and allow every cell of our bodies to remember these moments, so that when our time travel expires we can perfectly recreate our better days.

TIME'S UP!
flashing back to the present, quicker than we went back in time, hold on tight. dont lose grip of those memories, clench them in your fists and hold them close to your heart, they are safe there. and now that we have gone back...

allow me to re-introduce myself. Hello, my name is Jessica.

idk

idk...i dunno...i dont know!
i am spinning in triangles, because circles are too easy. i have my feet planted on the sky and my hands straight up reaching for the grass. wait, backwards....no thats about right. crawling through chaos, misunderstood...overstand me, understand me...listen. i need me, i need to know me, be me, love me, free me! grabbing at things with my toes, cant catch shit! my hands dont work like they used to...cant seem grasp anything...butterfinger type shit (metaphorically speaking).
drowning in the sunshine, gasping for air at the bottom of my cute little wine glass. lick it clean.

im thinking....thinking...i figure i should introduce myself by spelling my existance out to you. dont miss a letter, a comma, a period....its priceless. i am everything that you can live without, but hope that you chose not to. i am everything that you arent....maybe one day you will allow me to complete you...no no probably not. i am. i am insecure because of my self-cruelty...please please no pity though. i know that i do it. im trying to be more self rather than the cruel part....give me time.

lets take a vacation! come dance with me on the water...no music. dance and sing... silently, feel it. no matter what we do, we are imperfectly on beat. let me jazz it up with stillness.

idk. i dunno. i dont know!!!
eyes dont twinkle at the mention of me, they just shift elsewhere. smiles dont sparkle, they dissapear. hearts dont race! they ....calm "ahhh"
no adrenaline rush...butterflies dont flutter....they flop.
dont they? thats what i think anyway.

let me stop rambling....
ill just keep my feet on the sky and my hands reaching for the grass
and maybe one day that will make sense.

Never have I ever...

...been affraid of new places.
...trusted without fear of betrayal.
...loved with cautious thoughts.
...hated the people who broke my heart.
Never have I ever...
...not forgiven the people who do wrong...even if forgiveness is not what they earned.
...sang a song without feeling what it meant first.
...been one to "color within the lines"
...been a Daddy's Girl.
...been bored with my imagination.
...liked Ranch dressing (ewww)
...been good at saying no.
Never have I ever...
...been a person who depends on everyone else.
...wanted to live anyone else's life but my own.
...been anything other than a Laker fan lol.
...been to Spain.
...wanted to be a celebrity.
...been a kiss ass.
...sang on the drop of a dime for people (too nervous).
...had my toes in black sands beaches.
...gone skydiving.
...swam with dolphins.
...loved someone more than I love her.

Never have I ever...been more ready to see what tomorrow brings me.