Puppy Love

The past couple days have been no bueno at home. My puppy Swoop (b's up) started to not feel so well. She is normally a very happy pup. Tons and tons of kisses, and excitement. Always waggin her tail and jumpin' up on the couch to lay right next to me if not right on top of me. A few days ago she started vomiting and was levels below her normal, friendly personality. We assumed that maybe she was dehydrated and hot because the AZ summer heat has begun./ We gave her plenty of water and a cold bath to cool her off. She continued vomiting...BFI got Pepcid AC to calm her tummy and keep her hydrated. The next day she was halfway between what she was previously and her normal personality, so we decided that the Pepcid worked and she was going to be fine, then she took a turn for the worse. Saturday morning, she was a zombie. Wouldnt even react to her name. We said enough was enough and took her to the Vet. A Parvo test and $210.00 later we found out that she was infected with the Parvo disease. They stuck her with a shot to keep her from getting sick and then a huuuuge needle for an IV of meds and fluids. She had a camel hump under her perfectly speckled coat of fluid to keep her body hydrated. The vet gave us 10 shots and 2 full IV bags to take home, and he advised that it's no guarantee but it would help her body fight the disease. So now we are watching her every move to make sure that she doesnt get worse. It's a scary thing and a miserable thing to watch...cross your fingers for Swoop. Love her too much to lose her.

Silence Speaks In Volumes

sitting in a quiet room...i allow the silence to consume me....no whispering...no background noise...no heavy breathing. just me and silence...stillness. and in this silence i can still feel the way we felt, together. if i listen close enough, the emptiness that occupies the air surrounding me has a voice and it speaks to me...ironically loud and clear. it tells me that i have been left here alone, questioning who i am and who i was with you....and with her...and that other girl....and them. the quiet allows me to hear the deep past and the present....i listen for the future, but it wont tell me anything. it offers no fair warning....no caution signs....it just remains silent. and with my ears i search for answers....eyes closed, hands in my lap....meditate. i so badly want to hear the voice of silence again....so i sit there. completely frozen with anticipation and eagerly await the whispers of nothingness. breathe in....breathe out. suddenly silence vanishes and i hear everything. jumbled together are the conversations we had....our laughter....our favorite songs.......... i hear you saying how beautiful you think my eyes are...especially when they are looking right back into yours. i hear my bedsheets being ripped from my bed...swished around us on the floor....i hear that one night when you had me pinned against the wall and all i could do was dig my nails into the white paint and scratch my moans into it. i hear us kissing....moaning...breathing the same air. i hear us...when we were we and us still existed. and again...suddenly it was gone. silence was muted and spoke of nothing. it was as if for a moment my ears were like hands and they lost grip of the beautiful sounds that we were. not noises...but sounds, melodies, songs, stories, poems, sonnets, symphonies............and the emptiness returned again. i want to get lost in the silence, so that i can be still in our memories....because silence speaks in volumes

Grip

I live in the absense of you...as if I'm stretching myself to fill the void you created when you walked away so easily. And in this black hole that has developed and managed to completely smother me with loneliness I dwell. I sit in wait, twirl my hair, count sheep to fall asleep. Back and forth I pace until I lose track of what day it is. Because you robbed me of my common sense. My ability to distinguish good from bad...left from right.....I'm dizzy. And as I pace back and forth, forth and back my legs buckle and I tire from this journey that I have unwillingly embarked ..it started out as a journey to search for you, for your love and your touch....and along the way I lost me. Who am I? Who am I without the existance of you? I am this person, this being walking thru each day...a robotic routine....wake, work, sleep........tired from the emptiness of myself that stained my pillows with tears and marked my body with scars of you being ripped from me. its like....knowing ahead of time that you would leave didnt lighten the pain, but forced me to recognize and carry the knowledge that this was just a limited time offer....a take it while you can get it oppurtunity. So i did....i grabbed a hold of you with no intentions of letting go.....made it up my mind that this brief moment would evolve. that you would evolve, that i would evolve....that it would be a "we" .... an "us"....one. You, I hold on so tightly....my knuckles white,sweat surfacing in the creases of my life line and my love line of my palms....dampening this "awe" ...this infatuation....this thing that i have for you.....this thing. this unsure, unstable, completely hazy, baffeling, puzzling, amazing, magnificent, beautifully brand new thing. Walk away....i wont, i cant....walking away from you...this brief window of this thing....walking away from this intrigue and curiousity and fascination is walking away from desire and dream come trues. So, my palms sweat between my love lines and life lines....my knuckles whiten and cramp....but i hold on

Lovers & Friends // Guru

last night, a friend/ex-lover told me i was her Guru...
when we were doing what we were doing in the past...one person thought things were clear and naturally the other had different thoughts on the situation/relationship altogether. so the lines began to blur....which generated misunderstandings...hurt feelings...fights...tears...etc. it took a long time (still somewhat occurring) for the dust to settle and things to be as normal as they can be, considering the circumstances.
after all the bickering and silent-treatments, and nonsense...i was shocked to hear her say i was her Guru.....ahhh but of course there was a catch. i wasnt her Guru in a positive light...apparently i was such a bad person to her that she just became heartless altogether and wont let anyone close. Ouch right? saying things like "you made me see that i wasnt good enough..." or other stuff like " you still have my heart in your pocket, no one else has it..." she says that i taught her so much about herself, and situations...but you know how people word things to make it sound like you helped them in the long run but when you ask the horribly curious question of, "oh really...how?" they unload all the things that you did to them, whether intentionally or unknowingly, and it makes you shrink down in your seat...that was my story last night.
i never intended to hurt anyone. i never do. i did my best to make things clear and understood...but everyone knows that when physical levels/boundaries are reached or crossed when only starting out as friends, emotions will get involved and it is nothing that a person can control. no matter how much a person tries to hold back love/like...it sprouts all through you and it just happens.
and that is what happened....it just happened.
and when it started to take off on her side...i remained where i started. parts of me changed but not significantly enough to go back on everything that i said in the start of it.
both of us were honest about our feelings, it just didnt work out for either one of us the way we wanted it to. since that time....we drifted and have done our own thing. talking rarely...but she is that friend/ex-lover who will always be there because that is the person she is...its just built into her character. and when i needed her recently, no questions asked, she came through, thankfully...and we spoke like we had been best friends everyday. there was smiling and laughing and weight lightened on my shoulders because it was refreshing to be "normal" with her.

so i guess i wonder if you can ever really be lovers & friends or do friends w/ benefits ever really remain that cut and dry?

crush

who needs cupid? i fell all on my own.  im already swept up in your existance.  i swell with anticipation and exhale pure desire whenever i hear your voice. i have got the world's biggest butterfly residing in my belly and it dances in there everytime i see you.  i get love drunk from your taste.  dizzy from the sweet smells that are you.  i want to lay with your skin so that our bodies become best friends and grow attached at the hips, lips, breasts, thighs. i miss you before you leave and only have satisfaction when we re-unite again.  my craving for you is insatiable...endless...eternal.  our love is plenty and i still cant get enough.  i think i might have a crush.

F*CK

Today has been a bad day and it JUST started. First of all...my BFI is suuuper sick. Fever,congested,sore throat the works. I got her meds last night and she got a lot of sleep last night....so I was hoping she would be feeling a little bit better when morning came....WRONG. I have never seen her sick like this, because she rarely gets sick...and it came completely out of no where! I got up to get ready for work and got her some steaming hot Theraflu hoping it would soothe her throat. She ended up getting sick and walking down the stairs to rush to her bathroom and throw-up. Needless to say, she is still feeling like shit.

After I her some more meds to knock her out and let her sleep, I hobble** down the stairs to get the car and go to work....key in the ignition...turning and NOTHING! The damn car doesnt start!!!!! I sit there, " Are you fucking kidding me?!!" Again, I find myself having to call work and let them know that I am going to be in late today because the car is not working with me right now. Could be the starter, or the brand new battery we just bought. Shit who knows...
So then I had to hunt down a willing driver to get me to work asap...got to work and I am sitting here now...steaming out my ears and tears welling up in my eyes because it seems like I cant catch a damn break.


**hobble: i say hobble because last thursday i had the pleasure of breaking my big toe on my left foot. needless to say its swollen, and beautiful shades of purple on the top and even prettier hues of blue on the bottom.....lovely

.daydream.

I had a daydream....of us...you watching me, me writing, in tune with my music, in another world, almost forgetting that you were right there beside me. I wrote of us being in a place, a place far off in my imagination, a place where the sky was always the color of the most beaufitul sunset that we had ever been privledged to see. Pinks, and purples and oranges....peaking thru tall rugged mountains, finding its way into our bedroom....onto our sheets, warming our skin. I wrote of the sweet smells of us....still humming to the music echoing in my ear, my hand moved smoothly over the white paper, scratching out and erasing and evaluting my thoughts....you watched me. I was creating poetry, you were sketching me in ur mind....we are artists. Sculpturers of our desires....gifted. Gifted because we can immitate our passion by manipulating it into a physical form. And letting people touch taste and see ....us. You're still watching, I'm still writing....watching writing....watching and writing....listening to the soft sounds pouring out of my headphones...I'm writing. There's that pink sunset again, seeping thru the cracks in the blinds, piercing into your eyes, making you squint....you adjust your chair so it is not to distract you from focusing on me....me writing about you, us....past. present. fairy tale future. blood, sweat. tears....dreams. The stillness surrounding us doesn't enter our minds....I'm still writing, pausing for just a momnt, my pen is out of ink....and as I replace my blue pen, for a wonderfully full black one, you reach out to me but don't touch....you are worried I will lose my momentum, my concentration, so you place your hands close enough just to feel my body heat, and you watch. one of my favorite songs come on, and I start whispering the words without even noticing that my lips are moving... "sometimes you make me smile.....I can feel you, I'm missing you "....and with that gentle whisper.....page after page I write. Sunset turned to sunrise...and your eyes had not grown weary of my seated posture in that wooden chair, in front of that window overlooking those tall rugged mountains with the sun glimmering thru....I had a daydream....of you watching me....me writing about......us

Forecast

I scream into the wind, only for my voice to pound right back into me....surrounding me, its my best friend. I cry sideways, the tears wet the corners of my eyes, and horizontally paint my face with pain. Caught up in a whirlwind of emotions....a tornado of realities I don't want realize, a thunderstorm of tears, if I'm not careful, I might drown. The earth separates and sucks me into it, dissapearing without leaving a trace of me...forgotten....never known. I slip away into a realm of nothingness as if I never was, thrown from one side to the other....sometimes sneaking back into your world, just to walk right next to you and remain unnoticed....as if we are strangers....don't you remember me? Don't you remember the sweat that night on my sheets? Don't you remember how my lips tasted? Don't you remember? And before you start to embrace the thoughts of how I made ur heart throb, the earth pulls me back into it. Selfish, not daring to share me with you...just trapped below the surface, forced to survive off our few memories.....playing them in my mind like a flipbook. And as the pages of our book run out, I scramble for a pen and paper to draw new ones. New images, new daydreams of you and I together...smiling,laughing happy (together). But the wind twists in jealousy and swallows up our fairy tale flipbook, mocking me by spitting it out with all our memories torn from it...leaving only the residue of the salt from my tears behind. So easily erased, so this time I reach for a permanent marker, making sure that I press so hard it bleeds thru the paper....not allowing us to be distinguished so effortlessly....and in mid stroke of telling our story, I drop deeper into this hell...further away from you, and leaving our lovestory behind... incomplete and never to be read.

Conflicted

my mind has been just as empty as my blog lately. i dont want to blame it on stress, because that is just way to easy, and usually writing is my cure to, what seems now to be incurable, stress and uneasy feelings. im really not quite sure what the deal is. shit is piling up, emotions and thoughts are just taking over, i feel mummified in distress and blanketed in unsure emotions. work is irritating. school is null in void. love is...............? i am just blah. i can fix the work thing by getting a different job, but why? money is fine...coworkers are awesome, so okay i will stay. school will be finished up soon enough, hopefully a graduate of PSU. love is ummm well its goin'. no one ever said love would be easy but really...why is it this fuckin' hard?!? everything that is worth it is worth fighting for....and i have my gear on ready to take on whatever i have to to have my heart truly loved, unconditionally.

sometimes i find myself lost. weird right? how is it that you find/lost at the same time...? i wreak of confusion and dissatisfaction. i bleed chaos and insanity. i sweat uncertainty. i am everywhere and absolutely nowhere at the exact same moment. each day is so routine, you would think that i would not be lost but completely organized and centered....understanding of what is to come when i turn my alarm clock off every morning, and like a zombie get up and get ready for another day at the office....

i am very clean, neat organized etc. (almost boring)
but i need change...excitement (without drama)...i want to invest myself into a project...or travel...or quit my job and join the peace corp. something....ANYTHING!
I am 23 years young and have a lifetime ahead of me....but it feels as though i have a lifetime behind me already. i want to stretch my wings and entertain new ideas, learn new places, adapt to different things. i want to put myself in a new strange position and embrace it.

all these things that i want....
no more time for want....
its time that i DO

............today i start to fly.

Weekend

As you can see below I had a pretty good weekend, and it all started on Thursday. I got off work an hour early (yippeee) and rushed home to do a little cleaning and organizing. People who know me well know that I am almost OCD with cleaning. I have to have things in their proper places and things must be clean. Friday morning, I woke up and watched a movie with my best friend and after the movie we laid there...
S : " I feel adventerous today. Let's do something different"
J : " Have you ever been to Sedona?"
S : " No."
J : " Let's go!"

And then we went. On the way to Sedona, we stopped at Sunset Point to stretch my long legs out and snap some shots...got back in the car and picked up where we left off. We drove up there and just kinda felt our way around. I haven't been up there since I was playing ball for NAU so I was playing the guessing game, but sometimes that is the best way to find your way to new places. So, using the trial and error method we stumbled upon an art gallery that had opened that day. We pulled in and walked around, gasping and snapping photos of the different sculptures that caught our eye. After the gallery, we jumped back into the car and carried on through the little city. Passing Slide Rock, we found a little road off the main road and turned down into, well whatever it was. I parked the car and we got lost in the trees, rocks and beautiful creek that we found. We walked through the rocks, wearing Old Navy flip-flops, climbing boulders, trying not to slip into the freezing cold water. Who knew Arizona had so much green hiding in Sedona. It was gorgeous...the air was cleaner, the trees stood tall and strong, little fish swam in the water, and there was a still and silent personality amongst us. It was a great excape from the big city.

After our little "hike" we went back into town and had dinner at the little hole in the wall place. We were of course the only brown people that sat in the restaurant, and by the way they looked at us, you would think that we were the first people of any color that had ever walked through the door. It didn't bother us...we laughed it off, grubbed and dipped out. When we got back on the road home, it as already pitch black...so to keep us awake and aware, we put on a whole random selection of tunes and rocked out all 110 miles back home to Tempe. It was a short yet sweet vacation that we both desperately needed.

Saturday:
Now, on Saturday morning, I was knocked out. When I say knocked out, I mean, sprawled out on the bed, still and completely satisfied with the dreams playing in my head. My phone goes off at 7:15 AM. Yes, that is right, AM. It's my girl Kayla telling me to get my ass outta bed and get coffee in my system because its Salt River Saturday. Now, she told me the night before that they wanted to get an early start, but everytime we say that we really end up screwing around and not getting out there til about 11:00. So, I figured it would be like any other river trip.....WRONG! I was up in a bikini at 7:30 in the morning. I got Stina off to work and rushed home to get my river stuff ready. Talie came and picked me up and we were on the road to the river to meet my girls for a girls day out and afloat. Needless to say, alcohol was a plenty and we were floating in more ways than one (lol). The river trip was cut a little short for me and Talie, had a little scare, went to the hospital and were there until almost 10 saturday night. All is okay with everyone and now...it's Sunday. I am pink from our sun-fillede salt river experience and have a bottle of lotion attached to my hand, smearing it on my skin every 30 minutes.

all-in-all...my weekend was awesome. I am lucky to have the good friends that I have.

This weekend was a sneak-peak of what is to come this summer, can't wait :)

Sedona 2

Sedona

So my BFI and I were sitting in her bed, just finished watching a movie and we thought about what we wanted to do today.  She used a dry erase marker on her mirror to make a "Shit To-Do List" .... we glanced over at it.....and pretended we could put it all off until tomorrow.  So I thought ... hey why not take a random drive up to Sedona.  So thats where we are....pictures soon  :)