L is for ...

oh...the L word. 
which word could i possibly be puzzled about today? LUST? LOVE? LESBIAN? LONELY? LAZY? LESS THAN ENOUGH? or could i be thinking about all of the above...i lust for the feeling of love and have been categorized by so many as a lesbian because men just cant get it right...so i must be lonely and just settle for the caress of a woman because its easy...is that where lazy comes from? and with my feelings of inadequacy i feel less than enough to please you...or anyone.  so which word has my mind wrapped in knots and torn into pieces at the very same time? NO! I dont only love because i have heard it feels good. NO! i dont ache for her touch because i cant have his...but YES i do settle. I am so out of balance and confused...dazed by my everyday dissapointments... coming home to a not so "home sweet home". i ignore my desires and sacrifice my happily ever afters for you....for what could be someday.  i settle for good enough instead of waiting for greatness.  i sing songs of love but cry oceans.  looking in the mirrow i shake my head and question myself...i let out a sigh and pretend im okay.  i have pretended for so long that i have almost convinced myself that there is nothing wrong...but everything is wrong. when will i stop pretending

.you.

oh how you have managed to twist my simple routine into a vibrant adventure...

you have covered me with your smile and surrounded me with your immense beauty...and somehow i have unintentionally grown to you.  dive into my fantasy and swim in my forever....dont leave but remain here.  even when you are not by my side... people see you with me....in my smile, my eyes, the way my lips press themselves together, the switch in my hips when i walk in those stilettos you love me in, when i bat my eyelashes...thats you.  the light happiness that spills out of me in laughter is you.  the butterflies that escape the cave of my body decorate the morning skies and dance their way right back into the pit of my belly everytime i hear your voice.  so much still a mystery...let me solve you.  im willing to go undercovers...sheets and pillows...shirts and shorts....down to bare skin to know you.  i envy your smile because its so close to your soft lips.  i envy your eyes because they get to witness your reflection.  i envy your hands because they are the most familiar with the curves of your frame. i envy your heart because it lies deep within you where i want to find myself someday.  and with each breath that i draw in ...and again release from my body the intrigue overpowers me and causes me to lose my breath all together... and every part of my body that you have become to know begs me to re-introduce you to it again.  and at night when i lay there in the quiet my skin whispers to me how much it misses you. because you are what i crave. you personify my desire...i lust for your taste.  in my mind i find myself wrapping up in our memories so that they keep me warm like a blanket until you return.  and as i search my mental for you i remember. remembering isnt good enough....if only our shadows could be frozen in a photograph we could sit and enjoy our sweat for always....followed by forever and whisked into eternity.  but you are shy...so instead i memorize your smell, your sweat, you skin so that i can create my own piece of art and hold it safely where it can not be tarnished but preserved just for me.  ( to be continued )

.fever.

heat me up....make me hot...love me. hold me still to feel every movement that my body creates with yours...feel my pulse thru my body, notice how it synchronizes with the thumps in your chest. you see me for who i am....you found beauty in the length of my eyelashes and the light reflecting in my eyes....thank you. you give me this heat, this fire......call it fever if you want. a fever that is not quite cured with your touch but heightened with your kiss....lets break a record....make it rise....guide your fingertips slowly down my back and become familiar with every goosebump you inspire. poison me with passion and make me see things that i have never seen....feel pleasure i have only imagined...and taste the sweetest fruits of you. tonight, i will become your favorite flavor...and you will take all of me growing more anxious at every lick. make my body sing a melody, act out a movie....let our shadows dance on the wall. i want to write our own song, our breathing the chorus, our moans the hook. slow down the tempo for just a minute...did you catch your breath? Good...round 2... you have given me this fever, my blood has run hot imagining being wrapped up around you...on top of you...becoming unified with you. i want you, i need you...supply my desire and come to me. overpower me...mold me into what you want me to be for you tonight. role play.

Damn

Make me say damn,  you know how to.....you just blow on that spot that I like....find my soft spots and see how sweet they taste.  Baby....make me bite my bottom lip as it quivers from your touch...lick me,bite me,scratch me,break me down.  Mold me into a new masterpiece with your sex.  Da.......mmm baby, my heart found a new rhythm to race to, and as my lungs fill with the hot air our bodies made I breathe u into me....I take you even deeper than you thought I could.....I feel you there....inside.  Im almost there, make me say damn baby....make my eyes do tricks...make my eyelids close so tightly a tear falls from the love we make.  Make goosebumps take over my body like that is how my skin is supposed to feel.  Harden my nipples by having your lips dance around them....make me say it baby....make me scream it....moan it....arch it in my back.  I want to have nail marks on the walls....wet sheets....messy hair....and a cigarette when we're done....baby speak perfection into existence and please me like its your job.  Take me there.......come with me, and then cum with me.  Make me scratch thru walls...I want the neighbors to hear us...baby.....damn!

Monsoon

I have lived in Arizona for most my life. And though I am still not used to the blistering heat...I look forward to the summer time, mainly for the best part of course monsoon season. The monsoon season here is awesome! The dark skies and pouring rain is the greatest...I have always loved the rain, ironic since I reside in a huge desert. This may be my last monsoon season in Arizona.....I will be sure to enjoy it.

Champion!

Just in case you didnt realize it....MY LAKERS WON!

that is all....good day :)

My Friday!

Yayyyy! I am just 2 hours away from my weekend start! Its been a pretty chill week. Nothing bad, nothing great, just steady. I dont know where this amazing Arizona weather is coming from, but I really hope that it stays around for a while. It is gorgeous outside. Definitely driving with the windows down, Will Smith's Summertime song playing loud thru the speakers, and some yummy sweet tea in my QT cup. It is going to be a great summer, I can just feel it

hugs & kisses

.me.

Auto-Crap

So Jay Z performed a new song recently "D.O.A."..... its a song about the whole autotune epidemic and how every so-called artist is using it now. I am glad that someone with a solid rep is talking about how it is ruining hip-hop.....

Jay-Z took aim at the overuse of Auto-Tune with his new song "D.O.A.," and although he claimed T-Pain wasn't a target, the Brooklyn MC admitted he wasn't sure how the computer-aided crooner would take his track.
"If T-Pain got to feel a little brunt behind that, then I'm cool with that," he said Monday afternoon (June 8) in an interview with New York radio station Hot 97. "I'm all about the culture. It's bigger than the politics. If T-Pain felt like he wanted to never talk to me again, I would have been cool with that."

Though Kanye, the song's co-producer, and DJs like Funkmaster Flex and Mister Cee sided with Jay-Z, not everyone was onboard. Some younger rappers haven't supported Jay-Z's anti-Auto-Tune crusade.
Harlem, New York's DJ Webstar, who had a hit using Auto-Tune with his song "Dancing on Me," Tweeted about "D.O.A." and his thoughts on Jay. "Who heard old ass Jay Z hating?" the youngster wrote.
Jim Jones also took aim at Jay on Twitter. "An old sucka, LOL," Jones Tweeted. "We back, and if he kilt Auto-Tune then we must be Easter, the resurrection, LOL."

Ummm are you kidding? Who the hell is Jim Jones to be running his mouth? All he can do is ad-lib on his tracks and sound like an idiot with random sayings over a beat. And the pathetic thing about DJ Webstar, is uhhh...who is he exactly? I guarantee he owns all of Jay-Z's music, and he is now trying to act like he is one to be approached when you are in search of REAL HIP-HOP. I have to agree with a lot of artists who say hip-hop died....the radio is playing garbage, everyone sounds the same with the auto-tune. It was cool at first, but now you don't even have to be talented, all you gotta do is groan into an auto-tune tube, and you have got a new radio "hit".

I want good music back!

a good book

I haven't sat down and read a book in a few years....horrible I know. I have had a hard time making time and an even harder time finding a book to hold my interest. For those of you who know me, I am a huge CSI/Criminal Minds/48 hours fan! I love figuring things out (planning on being a forensics psychologist/criminal profiler) so I stumbled across a book that I bought years ago when I was still playing basketball for NAU.
Our whole team bought books to read for all of our road trips to different universities out of state because we were always flying somewhere and needed something other than the same 'ol homework to occupy us...so we all purchased books and kind of had an NAU Book Club for a little while. I blew right through one book by author Patricia Cornwell, Body of Evidence and soon after got another one of her books, All That Remains. I brought it to work today, because Sundays are always dead, and began reading. I had forgotten just how much I love books and loved getting wrapped up in a good story. Patricia Cornwell is a suspense/mystery author. She is a great writer, and she really has great description in her novels so you truly feel like you are right there with the characters.
I can't wait to get through this one and move onto the next...

Duldrums

slouching in my spinny chair at work........Twitter is boring....work is boring...im stuck in the duldrums. please save me!!!!!!!!!

My Boys

Needless to say, I am a Laker fan. Not a bandwagon fan, I'm a throwback Magic Johnson and Kareem Abdul-jabbar fan. I remember watching old games of them playing on tv or tapes that my dad had in storage. Well my love for the purple and gold has continued all 23 years of my life....and now my boys are back! LA Lakers and the Orlando Magic are set to battle it out tonight for game 1 of the Finals. Best believe I am going to be glued to the tv screen...with drinks, BBQ and screamin' and hollerin' all night for my Lakers. I say the Lakers take the Championship in 6 games. Can't wait to see how it all plays out tonight. Hopefully the refs are fair and dont call bogus fouls/technicals like in the playoffs. LET'S GO LAKERS LETS GO!!!!!

Names

So, my BFI had a blog about her baby name....very unique (Poet).
dont worry I am not planning on getting pregnant anytime real soon, but i did start thinking about names.
here is what I have always wanted to name my kids....(subject to change of course)

first born boy : Jackson Dee
second born boy : Trey Michael
first born girl : Jada Lyn or Jade Christina

hmmmmm....what do you think?

sinking...

...in quicksand.
sucking me deeper into the grimy hell i am trying to so hard to escape from. but instead it consumes me and i cry sand....scratching the surface of my eyes, further blurring my vision. now i can only hope that it swallows me whole, and spits me out a new person.
(awaiting digestion)

Foot-gasm

B-F(ly)-I

she is the shit! she is my best friend, my family, she is who i tell all my secrets, who i get into trouble with, she is who i cry to.  and she is so FLY. love you BFI  

  Me.

Psyche

What do you see?

IBU 800

thats what the giant horse pill said on it right before i threw it to the back of my throat and chased it with Dr Pepper crushing the ice between my teeth. anyone who knows me knows that i have to almost be dying to take any kind of medicine.  well i feel pretty close to the white light..... my tv in the living room was silenced, " do you want to delete this episode now? yes or no" is what it said to me on the screen...yep, finished another CSI re-run and was ready for the next one.  i already know how it ends...guy cheats on girl....girl gets pissed....girl kills guy. the end.  Next .... what is next exactly?  

i can barely hear my thoughts over the pounding of my head.  then i start thinking, what thoughts do i have right now anyway?  i wonder what things really are....what feelings are real or is it always just my intense imagination....? is there a difference?  can someone really love so deeply that they feel like they will die without that person?  yes...no...maybe...undetermined.  my imagination has allowed me to dance thru love stories and fairy tales, and yet somehow my clock always strikes midnight too soon.  my horse and carrige turn back into a pumpkin, my glass slippers shatter around my feet, cutting my soul.  notice i say soul....each end of a fairy tale slices me deeper than the one before it.  eating away at my being, my existence and my desire to roam through the next Sleeping Beauty, Snow White story.  

i am unaware where my imagination ends and my reality begins.  i love closing my eyes and picturing things how i want them to be....closing them so tightly that i cant open the, until my "dream" is done....hoping that one day i will snap out of it and my reality and imagination equal up to the same place and time. where i no longer have to rely on my thoughts but can take delight in my own story.  

days have started to blur into each other.  not ever really ending just going and going, the sun hides from my eyes for a little while but its all the same day, everyday, every week....

i need something to change....better or worse (prefer better) ...just need it to be different/refreshing/golden.  LIFE! STIMULATE ME.  make me lose my breath.  

im going to let this IBU 800 settle in and then life is taking me out on a date...cant wait.

"living my life like its golden"  J.Scott