pondering...

If your feelings don't matter, does it revoke the right to feel them?

gibberish 3

fighting to hold on to someone detached ... heartache

lover=fighter

I'm a lover.
But it's in me to fight.
And I'm a better lover for it.

almost home

Home is where the heart is…but my heart lives somewhere else.


So for now I will dress these walls with pictures of memories that I refuse to let fade….

Paintings and sketches of her genius

I will blare the music she’s written herself so that her voice lingers here…

Cook her favorite foods to fill this place with her diverse cultures.

I will leave space for her things, so if she returns it’s like she never left.

Today the sun smiled through my window,
silly me.... I thought it was you...
but I rolled over to still find your side of the bed cold and vacant.

I miss how your tiny frame would find a way to take up all the space
and leave me no choice but to cozy up closer to you to keep myself from falling off the bed.
I love how everynight...you knew that the black pillow was my favorite (only because its yours)

What I would give to have our goodnight kiss again,
and hear you say "I love you, goodnight"

gibberish # 2

my mind is filled with random gibberish...word puzzles with all the wrong pieces.  making sense of the chaos proves difficult, but it keeps my mind occupied while my aches.  Love pains.  I am love stained...

gibberish #1

the answer is not at the bottom of the bottle,
but at the tip of my tongue...
sharp and direct
like broken glass and rose thorns.
so just ask me the question, if you're ready for razor sharp words that will split you in two.

no time for bull shit
I've wasted plenty of days on the analyzing of my reality.
i have broken it down to an in-exact science.
crisp and clear, black and white.
yes and no.
it works for me.

Saturday Afternoon

chamomile tea.
pupps.
neo-soul/jazz/j.cole
clean smells.
fresh faced.
snap shots.
sketches.

free.fall

I wrote you a letter today. I was going to come by and just place at your doorstep, and hope that you saw it. but I didn't...instead I read the letter to myself, out loud, repeatedly, so many times in fact that I can recite it to you. memorized every letter of every word. And I would perform it, proudly, loudly, smiling in the face of mediocrity, because it is real.

No need for dramatics, screenplays, background music...you know my story. You have seen my pain, and you have felt my love. We met on the edge of insanity, peeking over to see how far we would fall....we linked hands, and then we jumped...No parachute. Oh how soft the landing was, a sea of feathers on top of feathers on top of clouds, cushioned with love, unconditional. Love diving. Its risky, unless you have the right partner, thank God for you. Never felt safer. So, can we jump again? ...And on the way down ill recite my letter I wrote to you,proudly, loudly ...forever into the soft clouds of feathers of love, unconditional.

black/white

 

EKG

wear my heart on my sleeve...

if you ever need to check for my pulse, look here.

ay yo girl

This amazing girl one day told me “puuume”

And it’s crazy, because I knew just what she meant.
It was love at first…umm word? Lol I don’t know.
But she was is it….and with the days we created our own language.
Established a vocabulary that only love could understand.


Handshakes, inside jokes, facial expressions, baby talk, random bursts of song and dance, wedgies (gimme dat)
Love looks real funny sometimes…
That’s the best kind.
I miss it. Her. Us. Love.

my heart fell in love with your mind...
but your mind is made up

.lost.

usually when people are lost, they are in unfamiliar places.  foreign territory that they don't understand, frightened that they can't find their way out.  but me, i am lost in my own mind, my home.  heartache is not unfamiliar to me, but this time, its dizzying.  even sitting still isnt sitting still anymore.  life is spinning me in circles and twisting me in shapes im not meant to bend to.  lost in darkness when the sun is out.  confused with answers i am given, filled with questions i dont understand.  falling behind in my future, keeping me trapped in the past.  my tears cry sideways in this place, my sighs are silent because they won't be heard anyway.  locked away, shut out, and forgotten.  easily replaced by faces, drinks, noises.  i am tucked away where i can't be released from.  hidden away in a memory, a series of moments that cease to exist.  lost in a world with only one resident, me.  no tourists, no visitors.  just me alone, wandering in open spaces, reaching with my arms hoping some piece of my old reality will grab a hold of me and pull me back into happiness.  extending my arms as far and wide as they can stretch, shoulders are sore from reaching out days at a time with no luck of capture.  i dont want to believe what my mind tells me, but i remain trapped here because no one wants to find me.  its hard to tell the days apart in this place, the only thing i know is that when the sun lowers itself from the sky, and meets with the moon its another day lost. 

Like the title says…im love stained
I wear it like a target over my heart, just in case people don’t know where to stab
its my Achilles heel….my strongest muscle but my weakest spot.
And when you have managed to sneak in, there is no turning back.
You are loved forever, even if you don’t want it,
Because then, my love stains you.
And When you walk, its hidden in your shadow, keeping watch
Because I have your back,side,front,top and bottom.
Its so much more than I can handle, but I love trying because youre worth it.
The stronger my love gets, the weaker my knees get when I smell your scent
See your smile…
Hear your voice whispering my name…
But…
What all this means is that when we started we were days closer to the end…
you found my Achilles heel.
And it kills me still, because you knew that was my weakness
And broke it anyway



My bleeding heart/love stained

life support

Untangle me,
Stomach in knots.
Short quick breaths….anxiety put me on life support
Not strong enough to breathe on my own
My chest collapsed, my heart is gone.
Scrambling for something to throw in there….give me my pulse again
Artificial is better than nothing I guess….
At least then I won’t feel my heart break.
 
( currently in ICU...but do you see me? )

Can we slow dance?

We don’t need music…just hold me there in that place so warm.

Gentle,gentle.

Ill sing to you…hold my hand to your heart so I can keep rhythm.

Perfect.

My eyes just whispered ‘I love you’

I hope you lips whisper it back…

untitled (for now)

Lacking that emotional stability your love once provided….instead tipping sideways wondering where the time went. The breeze blowing through the hole you left behind when you took my heart hostage, sending a chill down what remains of my contorted spine. No longer able to stand up straight, I am now responsible for carrying the weight of hurt, heartache and regret bundled on my back, their claws ripping into me, making sure there isn’t a moment that I forget what happened. I wish it away, pray it away, will it away…but there it is, constricting me. Wearing me down while I wear it like a scarlet letter. F for failure. Or maybe its S for stupid. I can come up with more, but I think you get the idea.

Im not entirely sure if I agree with the saying “its better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all” because this shit hurts. Losing hurts…its like dying and being stuck in limbo. Not able to move forward because you are so hopeful of having what you did. Walking through days, not knowing how you got where you are, literally and metaphorically speaking, zombie like… the loving-dead. And when you wake, all you want to do is sleep, and when you sleep all you want to do is silence your dreams, black them out so that you don’t see or hear or feel with your mind what your body misses. And when you dream, you rather it be a nightmare to scare you into reality, just to make you want to sleep again….twisted cycle. Love is a sick joke…I would kill to laugh in it again.

quiet down

lips are sealed
eyes are tightly shut
i have no idea what is coming next
but i guess that doesn't really matter much
because i know what is not coming

you aren't
we aren't.
us is only a figment of my hopeless romantic imagination
it's locked away in that part of my mind, my memory and thoughts...
where dreams are made
right before you hit that deep sleep
you know what i'm talking about, don't you?
when you relax your body
and your heart starts to calm
the time when you stop telling yourself "bedtime"
and you are actually dozing off...
that's where we are hidden

now i suffer from insomnia
and i can't visit that place anymore
i can't speak of those thoughts anymore
because really, they don't exist anymore
not for lack of love
but because i am having to force against MY human nature to quiet them down
to silence what i feel in order to save what may never...
well never say never, but you get my point

quiet down i say
quiet down the i miss yous and can't stop thinking about yous
keep to myself the you are the most beautifuls
because i have to keep my lips sealed
and my eyes tightly shut for you now

ironic isn't it?
to love me so deeply for who i am
and now ask of me to silence the intimate parts that you made love to
i felt alive because i was me
no changing that, and you never dreamed of it
but today, tomorrow, and forever in the future
i have to quiet down.

Amatuer

i'm no pro...but i am trying to get the hang of it all.

in response to your letter...

dear love,
for so long you left me breathless, and im fine with that....
but now that you are gone i have to catch my breath again and i just don't want to.
i don't want to accept that you left, that we are not 'we' anymore...
the only evidence of you is my broken shell, the empty space where my heart use to live.
i don't smell you in my sheets anymore, i tried not to wash them to keep you with me longer...
but my tears soaked through them so i had no choice.

i go through my days remembering when love still lived here.
in these walls, in our home.
i remember how our love tasted, how smooth and guided my life was.
i never knew love, we were strangers.
and when i finally met it, i held on tight to be sure that it wouldn't slip away.
love, you made me relevant, valid, you made my existence.
with each day, it was stronger, deeper more raw than anything i could ever know.
love, you were my best friend, my security, my night light.
where did you go?
i hope you find your way back to me, my arms are open,waiting for the warmth that you are.


i never wanted to know life without you,
please dont make me have to...

always,
me.

Marco...Polo...

Where did you go?  I looked up and you had already gone.
You were just here, filling my space with your smell...
warming my soul with your smile....

We miss you here, please...come back.

always,
your heart.

if you dont know, now you know...

To whoever actually comes to my blog, first let me say thanks!!! :) hope yo have enjoyed my random ramblings, half-written poems, and completed pieces.
Now that I got that out of the way....if you have never heard of this amazing woman and her music, you are truly missing out.
Google her (after you read all my blogs first of course lol).... Her name is Amel Larrieux. Listen to her song "For Real" ....if there's ever a moment when you don't know what love is, listen to this and I promise you will feel something.

Enjoy.
Love,
me.

Revolution

Hollow...awaiting a refill of what I am 'suppose' to be made of...can someone tell me what that is please? I seemed to have forgotten, or maybe I lost it when we rolled around in my sheets...no worries, ill find it.....but until I do, let's try and figure it out together. The space is just big enough for the both of us, well kind of. It’s big enough for the idea of us, what I created and who I was because of this. I became this 'love addict'....drunk off love, or being in love....still intoxicated so I can't really remember...but I'm sure it was something like that until I was robbed of my core and shaken from the outside in...Wait! I think I found it....no false alarm...still searching. I only recently noticed this empty space, physically speaking.  Or is it that I just decided to leave denial and accept what I have known all along…? Note to self: denial is not a safe haven. I knew when it happened, I felt the cold, hard feeling of lonely, it felt like winter…but until I reached inside myself I had no clue how deep this ran.  Sorry, denial again. I knew exactly how deep.  It was a through and through wound, like a bullet that never stopped, eviscerating all that I had strived to be. What I was made of resided beside my heart, they were best friends.  Never one without the other…but when my heart kept breaking, who I was grew tired.  Tired of the crying,the complaining, the hurt…the constant “what did I do wrong” questions to myself…this inner me just couldn’t take it anymore, because it knew better. This existence of who I was suppose to be was fed up.  Left me behind to fend for myself.  Rebuild myself, my heart, my being. Each day I am closer to learning who I am, and what I am to become. Denial no more…This is the revolution of me.

Girl Meets Girl

When girl meets girl...
Its that moment right before you smile when the warm corners of your mouth start to curl up...
When the wings of the butterflies in your belly stretch out just before taking frantic flight....
Its that feeling of spring's first sunrise, the warmth peaking thru the curtains kissing the nape of your neck while you're still dreaming.....
When girl meets girl...
You can feel that something in the sole of your feet all the way up thru the tips of your fingers.
Its a tingling and a burning, its an excitement that inspires a cold sweat...dampening your palms and makes your mouth forget how to form words right.
Your mind forgets your name for a moment and you are just caught up in that existance, her being.
Its intensity, its passion, its anxiety....its a speechless moment because words truly can not describe.
When girl meets girl...
Its a subtle fire and a cool breeze. Each moving in harmony with each other, dancing together for that perfect balance because they understand each other .........to be continued

Like a moth to a...

(to be continued)

Ugh...

Turning my words/thoughts/broken emotion into fluid poetry just isnt as easy as it used to be. Competing with my internal, and always losing keeps me away from a pen and paper, because right now, they appear to be hazardous to my mental health

Carried Away

i got carried away today, thinking about how flawless our love was.
how timeless it felt when we would lay there day after day, sun turn to moon turn to sun again.
taking breaks from our sweat only to shower.
never hungry because i was filled with you, appetite complete
no need for water, each kiss quenched my every thirst.
no time for sleep because i never dare to take my eyes off of you.
and even if they closed for just a moment, i was secretly peaking thru my eyelashes
when you told me not to look.

i loved you like polka dot skirts and silver hoop earrings.
i loved you like new socks on my cold feet...like floetry and maxwell...i loved you like soul music.
i loved you for reasons known and unexplained.
i loved you for moments when i said nothing and you understood what i was saying.

and if i ever forgot, you reminded me just how good i look in those jeans
and whispered how soft my skin was...
you made sure i never forgot how you loved me.
appreciated my long nights and early mornings
because you know if i could be with you all day i would work overtime, taking no lunch breaks

because i loved you like soul music,
like my favorite beat...lyrically ill and untouchable
your song was made for me because its bass is my heartbeart.
and now im walking down the street,
getting carried away in my polka dot skirt and my silver hoop earrings
listening to my soul music and remembering a time when time was timeless...