late night diary entry

my eyes have stopped crying... so my mind floats in tears...anticipating release
anxiety sets in and yet movement is impossible.
staring out into nothing, my eyes are open...lazy and glazed over
i cant see, i cant hear because my pain is deafening, heart shrieking.....
falling is eternal, but recripocal love is not.
i learn that the hardest way with every breath.
its as if my soul has been held hostage in the idea of it and my body perishes in the reality.

the scent of burning sage and ciggarette linger at my nose
strong and potent and still the only thing i smell is salt water tears.
connfusing memories with what 'could be'
pretending that promises actually mean something.
my word is all i have left.....
and my tongue will not allow me to speak.
better suited in silence so that i can peacefully will my heart into healing.

rambled thoughts

to say that i am empty is to accept that i have been robbed of myself...blindfolded, bound in my sleep while i was dreaming of tomorrows...but empty is what i am. so i sit here, of sound mind, and confirm mentally what i have emotionally lacked.  And physically....physically i have hunched in ache.  an ache that has no resloution.  my prognosis unknown because no one has ever seen this kind of hurt before. in a way comforting, it hasn't solely confused me, i am not alone in the mystery of why and how.  i have nothing holding my thoughts together to make sense of it.  i scramble for what does not exist and pray for clarity.  im waiting...