(s)mell

I smelled this smell, and I thought of you. So I puffed out my cheeks and filled them with this smell, this aroma....I blew with all my strength, pushing that smell up into the atmosphere....making it dance up into the Heavens where you reside, so that maybe you would inhale it and know that it was from me. And for my memories, I took an old mason jar and filled it with that unique scent and sat it next to my bed so that I can can be reminded of you...so that even when you aren'e right here, you aren't really gone either.



(to you)

My Torture.....

(Esthero - My Torture)

For anyone who doesnt know this woman and her music, you are truly missing out.  She is grimy, raw, jazzy, sensual and real.  unlike the radio, her music is good.  its deep...penetrating, makes the wheel turn in your mind and gets your head bobbin' at the same time.  i am sititng at work now. listening to her track "my torture".  you know its a good song if you put it on repeat to make sure you dont miss what she is saying to you.  Its one of those, "gotta here every word" songs.  which brings me to this point...have you ever reached the point where loving someone ended up being your own personal torture?  loving so deep and not being able to have that love returned equally....or maybe loving the wrong person even though it feels like you are doing it for all the right reasons?  who has been your personal heaven and hell?  your torture....your pleasure and pain.

Question 2?

Is it possible to ever fall in love as deeply as you did the very first time?  - or - Once you have fallen out of love with someone, can you ever fall back in love and it be better than the first time you fell?

raindrops

(outside of my building )

im up early again for a couple extra hours at work...and lucky me! i get to stare out the window and the rare AZ weather that is goin on right now.  it is beautifully overcast, cool winds and sprinkling.  i love this weather more than you know and i cant wait to get home, get comfy and have a cup of coffee and just breathe in the rain air.

omg!

(not my actual bike...wish it was though)

i started my new shift today at work, 12 noon to 8:30pm.  it's not bad so far.  i get to wake up and have a relaxing morning, no rushing from bed to shower to closet to work.  it is a more chill, mellow morning.  i took my dogs for a walk, made a good hot pot of coffee.  enjoyed sitting on my couch watching a little tv and then started to get ready for work.  i was trying to figure out what would be most comfy to where to work after riding a bike from my house to my job.  so i searched through my closet and found my black leggings that i love oh so much.  i slipped into them, found a spandex type top and threw on my "Jesus shoes".  i said my goodbyes to the pups and BFI and hauled my bike down 3 flights if stairs.  yes, you read right 3 flights.  and for those of you who don't think it is such a big deal to have a nice bike ride to work, think again.  I live in Arizona...enough said.  from my house to my job its about a 6 mile trip.  and let my also mention that i have not ridden a bike since i was probably 10 years old.  and even though you never forget how, it was an intresting adjustment.  i just start peddling, and it doesn't feel so bad at first.  there is a slight breeze so it isnt unbearable.  i can't help but smile because i am using a cheap and environmental friendly alternative to getting around town.  and then i start to sweat...yuck.  now i am an athlete and have been my entire life.  so sweat isn't something i am a stranger to, but i am going to work here.  i have to be professional, so i started to frown more than smile...and then my ass started to hurt.  not like a good workout hurt, like a OMG my ass is raw from the seat kind of hurt.  but i just kept on pushing and peddling and yessss!  sweet victory!  i made it to work with almost 20 minutes to spare.  those 20 minutes were definately needed to help my body and booty cool down from my 6 mile umm death ride. lol  but it was worth it. 

one of those days

i am having one of those "leave me the hell alone" days. the kind of day where i am too sick and too tired to deal with people's garbage. i am irritated, frustrated, annoyed, angered, tired, aggravated etc. i am ready to get up and move away....far away. to a place that even if only for a moment i can catch my breath before my daily battles start up again. i want to leave and disappear into a place where i dont wake and have to wipe the stress from my eyes. does this place exist? because i am having one of those days today....

to love is to live....then why do i feel like im dying?
its bittersweet really....more bitter right now than sweet... tangy i guess
draining.confusing.amazing.heartbreaking.hurtful.joyful etc.
dreaming of something and it becoming reality only to possibly slip away again is numbing.

currently : hoping for the best of my wishes to be granted.