Psyche

What do you see?

IBU 800

thats what the giant horse pill said on it right before i threw it to the back of my throat and chased it with Dr Pepper crushing the ice between my teeth. anyone who knows me knows that i have to almost be dying to take any kind of medicine.  well i feel pretty close to the white light..... my tv in the living room was silenced, " do you want to delete this episode now? yes or no" is what it said to me on the screen...yep, finished another CSI re-run and was ready for the next one.  i already know how it ends...guy cheats on girl....girl gets pissed....girl kills guy. the end.  Next .... what is next exactly?  

i can barely hear my thoughts over the pounding of my head.  then i start thinking, what thoughts do i have right now anyway?  i wonder what things really are....what feelings are real or is it always just my intense imagination....? is there a difference?  can someone really love so deeply that they feel like they will die without that person?  yes...no...maybe...undetermined.  my imagination has allowed me to dance thru love stories and fairy tales, and yet somehow my clock always strikes midnight too soon.  my horse and carrige turn back into a pumpkin, my glass slippers shatter around my feet, cutting my soul.  notice i say soul....each end of a fairy tale slices me deeper than the one before it.  eating away at my being, my existence and my desire to roam through the next Sleeping Beauty, Snow White story.  

i am unaware where my imagination ends and my reality begins.  i love closing my eyes and picturing things how i want them to be....closing them so tightly that i cant open the, until my "dream" is done....hoping that one day i will snap out of it and my reality and imagination equal up to the same place and time. where i no longer have to rely on my thoughts but can take delight in my own story.  

days have started to blur into each other.  not ever really ending just going and going, the sun hides from my eyes for a little while but its all the same day, everyday, every week....

i need something to change....better or worse (prefer better) ...just need it to be different/refreshing/golden.  LIFE! STIMULATE ME.  make me lose my breath.  

im going to let this IBU 800 settle in and then life is taking me out on a date...cant wait.

"living my life like its golden"  J.Scott

Puppy Love

The past couple days have been no bueno at home. My puppy Swoop (b's up) started to not feel so well. She is normally a very happy pup. Tons and tons of kisses, and excitement. Always waggin her tail and jumpin' up on the couch to lay right next to me if not right on top of me. A few days ago she started vomiting and was levels below her normal, friendly personality. We assumed that maybe she was dehydrated and hot because the AZ summer heat has begun./ We gave her plenty of water and a cold bath to cool her off. She continued vomiting...BFI got Pepcid AC to calm her tummy and keep her hydrated. The next day she was halfway between what she was previously and her normal personality, so we decided that the Pepcid worked and she was going to be fine, then she took a turn for the worse. Saturday morning, she was a zombie. Wouldnt even react to her name. We said enough was enough and took her to the Vet. A Parvo test and $210.00 later we found out that she was infected with the Parvo disease. They stuck her with a shot to keep her from getting sick and then a huuuuge needle for an IV of meds and fluids. She had a camel hump under her perfectly speckled coat of fluid to keep her body hydrated. The vet gave us 10 shots and 2 full IV bags to take home, and he advised that it's no guarantee but it would help her body fight the disease. So now we are watching her every move to make sure that she doesnt get worse. It's a scary thing and a miserable thing to watch...cross your fingers for Swoop. Love her too much to lose her.

Silence Speaks In Volumes

sitting in a quiet room...i allow the silence to consume me....no whispering...no background noise...no heavy breathing. just me and silence...stillness. and in this silence i can still feel the way we felt, together. if i listen close enough, the emptiness that occupies the air surrounding me has a voice and it speaks to me...ironically loud and clear. it tells me that i have been left here alone, questioning who i am and who i was with you....and with her...and that other girl....and them. the quiet allows me to hear the deep past and the present....i listen for the future, but it wont tell me anything. it offers no fair warning....no caution signs....it just remains silent. and with my ears i search for answers....eyes closed, hands in my lap....meditate. i so badly want to hear the voice of silence again....so i sit there. completely frozen with anticipation and eagerly await the whispers of nothingness. breathe in....breathe out. suddenly silence vanishes and i hear everything. jumbled together are the conversations we had....our laughter....our favorite songs.......... i hear you saying how beautiful you think my eyes are...especially when they are looking right back into yours. i hear my bedsheets being ripped from my bed...swished around us on the floor....i hear that one night when you had me pinned against the wall and all i could do was dig my nails into the white paint and scratch my moans into it. i hear us kissing....moaning...breathing the same air. i hear us...when we were we and us still existed. and again...suddenly it was gone. silence was muted and spoke of nothing. it was as if for a moment my ears were like hands and they lost grip of the beautiful sounds that we were. not noises...but sounds, melodies, songs, stories, poems, sonnets, symphonies............and the emptiness returned again. i want to get lost in the silence, so that i can be still in our memories....because silence speaks in volumes

Grip

I live in the absense of you...as if I'm stretching myself to fill the void you created when you walked away so easily. And in this black hole that has developed and managed to completely smother me with loneliness I dwell. I sit in wait, twirl my hair, count sheep to fall asleep. Back and forth I pace until I lose track of what day it is. Because you robbed me of my common sense. My ability to distinguish good from bad...left from right.....I'm dizzy. And as I pace back and forth, forth and back my legs buckle and I tire from this journey that I have unwillingly embarked ..it started out as a journey to search for you, for your love and your touch....and along the way I lost me. Who am I? Who am I without the existance of you? I am this person, this being walking thru each day...a robotic routine....wake, work, sleep........tired from the emptiness of myself that stained my pillows with tears and marked my body with scars of you being ripped from me. its like....knowing ahead of time that you would leave didnt lighten the pain, but forced me to recognize and carry the knowledge that this was just a limited time offer....a take it while you can get it oppurtunity. So i did....i grabbed a hold of you with no intentions of letting go.....made it up my mind that this brief moment would evolve. that you would evolve, that i would evolve....that it would be a "we" .... an "us"....one. You, I hold on so tightly....my knuckles white,sweat surfacing in the creases of my life line and my love line of my palms....dampening this "awe" ...this infatuation....this thing that i have for you.....this thing. this unsure, unstable, completely hazy, baffeling, puzzling, amazing, magnificent, beautifully brand new thing. Walk away....i wont, i cant....walking away from you...this brief window of this thing....walking away from this intrigue and curiousity and fascination is walking away from desire and dream come trues. So, my palms sweat between my love lines and life lines....my knuckles whiten and cramp....but i hold on

Lovers & Friends // Guru

last night, a friend/ex-lover told me i was her Guru...
when we were doing what we were doing in the past...one person thought things were clear and naturally the other had different thoughts on the situation/relationship altogether. so the lines began to blur....which generated misunderstandings...hurt feelings...fights...tears...etc. it took a long time (still somewhat occurring) for the dust to settle and things to be as normal as they can be, considering the circumstances.
after all the bickering and silent-treatments, and nonsense...i was shocked to hear her say i was her Guru.....ahhh but of course there was a catch. i wasnt her Guru in a positive light...apparently i was such a bad person to her that she just became heartless altogether and wont let anyone close. Ouch right? saying things like "you made me see that i wasnt good enough..." or other stuff like " you still have my heart in your pocket, no one else has it..." she says that i taught her so much about herself, and situations...but you know how people word things to make it sound like you helped them in the long run but when you ask the horribly curious question of, "oh really...how?" they unload all the things that you did to them, whether intentionally or unknowingly, and it makes you shrink down in your seat...that was my story last night.
i never intended to hurt anyone. i never do. i did my best to make things clear and understood...but everyone knows that when physical levels/boundaries are reached or crossed when only starting out as friends, emotions will get involved and it is nothing that a person can control. no matter how much a person tries to hold back love/like...it sprouts all through you and it just happens.
and that is what happened....it just happened.
and when it started to take off on her side...i remained where i started. parts of me changed but not significantly enough to go back on everything that i said in the start of it.
both of us were honest about our feelings, it just didnt work out for either one of us the way we wanted it to. since that time....we drifted and have done our own thing. talking rarely...but she is that friend/ex-lover who will always be there because that is the person she is...its just built into her character. and when i needed her recently, no questions asked, she came through, thankfully...and we spoke like we had been best friends everyday. there was smiling and laughing and weight lightened on my shoulders because it was refreshing to be "normal" with her.

so i guess i wonder if you can ever really be lovers & friends or do friends w/ benefits ever really remain that cut and dry?

crush

who needs cupid? i fell all on my own.  im already swept up in your existance.  i swell with anticipation and exhale pure desire whenever i hear your voice. i have got the world's biggest butterfly residing in my belly and it dances in there everytime i see you.  i get love drunk from your taste.  dizzy from the sweet smells that are you.  i want to lay with your skin so that our bodies become best friends and grow attached at the hips, lips, breasts, thighs. i miss you before you leave and only have satisfaction when we re-unite again.  my craving for you is insatiable...endless...eternal.  our love is plenty and i still cant get enough.  i think i might have a crush.