last night, a friend/ex-lover told me i was her Guru...
when we were doing what we were doing in the past...one person thought things were clear and naturally the other had different thoughts on the situation/relationship altogether. so the lines began to blur....which generated misunderstandings...hurt feelings...fights...tears...etc. it took a long time (still somewhat occurring) for the dust to settle and things to be as normal as they can be, considering the circumstances.
after all the bickering and silent-treatments, and nonsense...i was shocked to hear her say i was her Guru.....ahhh but of course there was a catch. i wasnt her Guru in a positive light...apparently i was such a bad person to her that she just became heartless altogether and wont let anyone close. Ouch right? saying things like "you made me see that i wasnt good enough..." or other stuff like " you still have my heart in your pocket, no one else has it..." she says that i taught her so much about herself, and situations...but you know how people word things to make it sound like you helped them in the long run but when you ask the horribly curious question of, "oh really...how?" they unload all the things that you did to them, whether intentionally or unknowingly, and it makes you shrink down in your seat...that was my story last night.
i never intended to hurt anyone. i never do. i did my best to make things clear and understood...but everyone knows that when physical levels/boundaries are reached or crossed when only starting out as friends, emotions will get involved and it is nothing that a person can control. no matter how much a person tries to hold back love/like...it sprouts all through you and it just happens.
and that is what happened....it just happened.
and when it started to take off on her side...i remained where i started. parts of me changed but not significantly enough to go back on everything that i said in the start of it.
both of us were honest about our feelings, it just didnt work out for either one of us the way we wanted it to. since that time....we drifted and have done our own thing. talking rarely...but she is that friend/ex-lover who will always be there because that is the person she is...its just built into her character. and when i needed her recently, no questions asked, she came through, thankfully...and we spoke like we had been best friends everyday. there was smiling and laughing and weight lightened on my shoulders because it was refreshing to be "normal" with her.
so i guess i wonder if you can ever really be lovers & friends or do friends w/ benefits ever really remain that cut and dry?
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