Conflicted

my mind has been just as empty as my blog lately. i dont want to blame it on stress, because that is just way to easy, and usually writing is my cure to, what seems now to be incurable, stress and uneasy feelings. im really not quite sure what the deal is. shit is piling up, emotions and thoughts are just taking over, i feel mummified in distress and blanketed in unsure emotions. work is irritating. school is null in void. love is...............? i am just blah. i can fix the work thing by getting a different job, but why? money is fine...coworkers are awesome, so okay i will stay. school will be finished up soon enough, hopefully a graduate of PSU. love is ummm well its goin'. no one ever said love would be easy but really...why is it this fuckin' hard?!? everything that is worth it is worth fighting for....and i have my gear on ready to take on whatever i have to to have my heart truly loved, unconditionally.

sometimes i find myself lost. weird right? how is it that you find/lost at the same time...? i wreak of confusion and dissatisfaction. i bleed chaos and insanity. i sweat uncertainty. i am everywhere and absolutely nowhere at the exact same moment. each day is so routine, you would think that i would not be lost but completely organized and centered....understanding of what is to come when i turn my alarm clock off every morning, and like a zombie get up and get ready for another day at the office....

i am very clean, neat organized etc. (almost boring)
but i need change...excitement (without drama)...i want to invest myself into a project...or travel...or quit my job and join the peace corp. something....ANYTHING!
I am 23 years young and have a lifetime ahead of me....but it feels as though i have a lifetime behind me already. i want to stretch my wings and entertain new ideas, learn new places, adapt to different things. i want to put myself in a new strange position and embrace it.

all these things that i want....
no more time for want....
its time that i DO

............today i start to fly.