Time Travel

its hard to go forward if you keep going backwards, but shit present isn't working out so well. it's not flowing, meshing... whatever! wouldn't it be nice if we could go backwards before going forward sometimes? even if only for a mintue to be reminded of how good things used to be. a kind of "refresher course on love/life/etc. so what if it's not in the right order, i'm really not one to conform all that much with others, i have my own think pattern, so hear me out....

let's take a walk...backwards, as fast as we can. walk - jog - run - sprint!
sprint as fast as you can with me, i'll hold your hand so we end up on the same day in time. time travel with me back to where it all started. you know, back in the day with the nervous, anxious butterflies. The heartbeats racing because we miss each other. those good 'ol days. come on! run faster, back peddle faster...lets "get there"

i want to re-learn you. re-discover your purities, your fears, your strengths. go slow though, so we can take notes and memorize it from the very beginning. "favorite color : red (check).....how many tattoos : 14 (check)" the easy stuff out of the way, so stop running backwards and lets take a few strides forward...
the part where you told me that you loved me for the first time. the night that our bodies sweat together. the days that we would rush home to be right back in each other's arms...PAUSE
let's live here for a little while....i dont mind being stagnent in this place, it feels good. it feels warm, comfy & cozy. feels like home
no rush to leave, take off our shoes, lean back in this time and allow every cell of our bodies to remember these moments, so that when our time travel expires we can perfectly recreate our better days.

TIME'S UP!
flashing back to the present, quicker than we went back in time, hold on tight. dont lose grip of those memories, clench them in your fists and hold them close to your heart, they are safe there. and now that we have gone back...

allow me to re-introduce myself. Hello, my name is Jessica.

idk

idk...i dunno...i dont know!
i am spinning in triangles, because circles are too easy. i have my feet planted on the sky and my hands straight up reaching for the grass. wait, backwards....no thats about right. crawling through chaos, misunderstood...overstand me, understand me...listen. i need me, i need to know me, be me, love me, free me! grabbing at things with my toes, cant catch shit! my hands dont work like they used to...cant seem grasp anything...butterfinger type shit (metaphorically speaking).
drowning in the sunshine, gasping for air at the bottom of my cute little wine glass. lick it clean.

im thinking....thinking...i figure i should introduce myself by spelling my existance out to you. dont miss a letter, a comma, a period....its priceless. i am everything that you can live without, but hope that you chose not to. i am everything that you arent....maybe one day you will allow me to complete you...no no probably not. i am. i am insecure because of my self-cruelty...please please no pity though. i know that i do it. im trying to be more self rather than the cruel part....give me time.

lets take a vacation! come dance with me on the water...no music. dance and sing... silently, feel it. no matter what we do, we are imperfectly on beat. let me jazz it up with stillness.

idk. i dunno. i dont know!!!
eyes dont twinkle at the mention of me, they just shift elsewhere. smiles dont sparkle, they dissapear. hearts dont race! they ....calm "ahhh"
no adrenaline rush...butterflies dont flutter....they flop.
dont they? thats what i think anyway.

let me stop rambling....
ill just keep my feet on the sky and my hands reaching for the grass
and maybe one day that will make sense.

Never have I ever...

...been affraid of new places.
...trusted without fear of betrayal.
...loved with cautious thoughts.
...hated the people who broke my heart.
Never have I ever...
...not forgiven the people who do wrong...even if forgiveness is not what they earned.
...sang a song without feeling what it meant first.
...been one to "color within the lines"
...been a Daddy's Girl.
...been bored with my imagination.
...liked Ranch dressing (ewww)
...been good at saying no.
Never have I ever...
...been a person who depends on everyone else.
...wanted to live anyone else's life but my own.
...been anything other than a Laker fan lol.
...been to Spain.
...wanted to be a celebrity.
...been a kiss ass.
...sang on the drop of a dime for people (too nervous).
...had my toes in black sands beaches.
...gone skydiving.
...swam with dolphins.
...loved someone more than I love her.

Never have I ever...been more ready to see what tomorrow brings me.

L is for ...

oh...the L word. 
which word could i possibly be puzzled about today? LUST? LOVE? LESBIAN? LONELY? LAZY? LESS THAN ENOUGH? or could i be thinking about all of the above...i lust for the feeling of love and have been categorized by so many as a lesbian because men just cant get it right...so i must be lonely and just settle for the caress of a woman because its easy...is that where lazy comes from? and with my feelings of inadequacy i feel less than enough to please you...or anyone.  so which word has my mind wrapped in knots and torn into pieces at the very same time? NO! I dont only love because i have heard it feels good. NO! i dont ache for her touch because i cant have his...but YES i do settle. I am so out of balance and confused...dazed by my everyday dissapointments... coming home to a not so "home sweet home". i ignore my desires and sacrifice my happily ever afters for you....for what could be someday.  i settle for good enough instead of waiting for greatness.  i sing songs of love but cry oceans.  looking in the mirrow i shake my head and question myself...i let out a sigh and pretend im okay.  i have pretended for so long that i have almost convinced myself that there is nothing wrong...but everything is wrong. when will i stop pretending

.you.

oh how you have managed to twist my simple routine into a vibrant adventure...

you have covered me with your smile and surrounded me with your immense beauty...and somehow i have unintentionally grown to you.  dive into my fantasy and swim in my forever....dont leave but remain here.  even when you are not by my side... people see you with me....in my smile, my eyes, the way my lips press themselves together, the switch in my hips when i walk in those stilettos you love me in, when i bat my eyelashes...thats you.  the light happiness that spills out of me in laughter is you.  the butterflies that escape the cave of my body decorate the morning skies and dance their way right back into the pit of my belly everytime i hear your voice.  so much still a mystery...let me solve you.  im willing to go undercovers...sheets and pillows...shirts and shorts....down to bare skin to know you.  i envy your smile because its so close to your soft lips.  i envy your eyes because they get to witness your reflection.  i envy your hands because they are the most familiar with the curves of your frame. i envy your heart because it lies deep within you where i want to find myself someday.  and with each breath that i draw in ...and again release from my body the intrigue overpowers me and causes me to lose my breath all together... and every part of my body that you have become to know begs me to re-introduce you to it again.  and at night when i lay there in the quiet my skin whispers to me how much it misses you. because you are what i crave. you personify my desire...i lust for your taste.  in my mind i find myself wrapping up in our memories so that they keep me warm like a blanket until you return.  and as i search my mental for you i remember. remembering isnt good enough....if only our shadows could be frozen in a photograph we could sit and enjoy our sweat for always....followed by forever and whisked into eternity.  but you are shy...so instead i memorize your smell, your sweat, you skin so that i can create my own piece of art and hold it safely where it can not be tarnished but preserved just for me.  ( to be continued )

.fever.

heat me up....make me hot...love me. hold me still to feel every movement that my body creates with yours...feel my pulse thru my body, notice how it synchronizes with the thumps in your chest. you see me for who i am....you found beauty in the length of my eyelashes and the light reflecting in my eyes....thank you. you give me this heat, this fire......call it fever if you want. a fever that is not quite cured with your touch but heightened with your kiss....lets break a record....make it rise....guide your fingertips slowly down my back and become familiar with every goosebump you inspire. poison me with passion and make me see things that i have never seen....feel pleasure i have only imagined...and taste the sweetest fruits of you. tonight, i will become your favorite flavor...and you will take all of me growing more anxious at every lick. make my body sing a melody, act out a movie....let our shadows dance on the wall. i want to write our own song, our breathing the chorus, our moans the hook. slow down the tempo for just a minute...did you catch your breath? Good...round 2... you have given me this fever, my blood has run hot imagining being wrapped up around you...on top of you...becoming unified with you. i want you, i need you...supply my desire and come to me. overpower me...mold me into what you want me to be for you tonight. role play.

Damn

Make me say damn,  you know how to.....you just blow on that spot that I like....find my soft spots and see how sweet they taste.  Baby....make me bite my bottom lip as it quivers from your touch...lick me,bite me,scratch me,break me down.  Mold me into a new masterpiece with your sex.  Da.......mmm baby, my heart found a new rhythm to race to, and as my lungs fill with the hot air our bodies made I breathe u into me....I take you even deeper than you thought I could.....I feel you there....inside.  Im almost there, make me say damn baby....make my eyes do tricks...make my eyelids close so tightly a tear falls from the love we make.  Make goosebumps take over my body like that is how my skin is supposed to feel.  Harden my nipples by having your lips dance around them....make me say it baby....make me scream it....moan it....arch it in my back.  I want to have nail marks on the walls....wet sheets....messy hair....and a cigarette when we're done....baby speak perfection into existence and please me like its your job.  Take me there.......come with me, and then cum with me.  Make me scratch thru walls...I want the neighbors to hear us...baby.....damn!