IBU 800

thats what the giant horse pill said on it right before i threw it to the back of my throat and chased it with Dr Pepper crushing the ice between my teeth. anyone who knows me knows that i have to almost be dying to take any kind of medicine.  well i feel pretty close to the white light..... my tv in the living room was silenced, " do you want to delete this episode now? yes or no" is what it said to me on the screen...yep, finished another CSI re-run and was ready for the next one.  i already know how it ends...guy cheats on girl....girl gets pissed....girl kills guy. the end.  Next .... what is next exactly?  

i can barely hear my thoughts over the pounding of my head.  then i start thinking, what thoughts do i have right now anyway?  i wonder what things really are....what feelings are real or is it always just my intense imagination....? is there a difference?  can someone really love so deeply that they feel like they will die without that person?  yes...no...maybe...undetermined.  my imagination has allowed me to dance thru love stories and fairy tales, and yet somehow my clock always strikes midnight too soon.  my horse and carrige turn back into a pumpkin, my glass slippers shatter around my feet, cutting my soul.  notice i say soul....each end of a fairy tale slices me deeper than the one before it.  eating away at my being, my existence and my desire to roam through the next Sleeping Beauty, Snow White story.  

i am unaware where my imagination ends and my reality begins.  i love closing my eyes and picturing things how i want them to be....closing them so tightly that i cant open the, until my "dream" is done....hoping that one day i will snap out of it and my reality and imagination equal up to the same place and time. where i no longer have to rely on my thoughts but can take delight in my own story.  

days have started to blur into each other.  not ever really ending just going and going, the sun hides from my eyes for a little while but its all the same day, everyday, every week....

i need something to change....better or worse (prefer better) ...just need it to be different/refreshing/golden.  LIFE! STIMULATE ME.  make me lose my breath.  

im going to let this IBU 800 settle in and then life is taking me out on a date...cant wait.

"living my life like its golden"  J.Scott