life support

Untangle me,
Stomach in knots.
Short quick breaths….anxiety put me on life support
Not strong enough to breathe on my own
My chest collapsed, my heart is gone.
Scrambling for something to throw in there….give me my pulse again
Artificial is better than nothing I guess….
At least then I won’t feel my heart break.
 
( currently in ICU...but do you see me? )

Can we slow dance?

We don’t need music…just hold me there in that place so warm.

Gentle,gentle.

Ill sing to you…hold my hand to your heart so I can keep rhythm.

Perfect.

My eyes just whispered ‘I love you’

I hope you lips whisper it back…

untitled (for now)

Lacking that emotional stability your love once provided….instead tipping sideways wondering where the time went. The breeze blowing through the hole you left behind when you took my heart hostage, sending a chill down what remains of my contorted spine. No longer able to stand up straight, I am now responsible for carrying the weight of hurt, heartache and regret bundled on my back, their claws ripping into me, making sure there isn’t a moment that I forget what happened. I wish it away, pray it away, will it away…but there it is, constricting me. Wearing me down while I wear it like a scarlet letter. F for failure. Or maybe its S for stupid. I can come up with more, but I think you get the idea.

Im not entirely sure if I agree with the saying “its better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all” because this shit hurts. Losing hurts…its like dying and being stuck in limbo. Not able to move forward because you are so hopeful of having what you did. Walking through days, not knowing how you got where you are, literally and metaphorically speaking, zombie like… the loving-dead. And when you wake, all you want to do is sleep, and when you sleep all you want to do is silence your dreams, black them out so that you don’t see or hear or feel with your mind what your body misses. And when you dream, you rather it be a nightmare to scare you into reality, just to make you want to sleep again….twisted cycle. Love is a sick joke…I would kill to laugh in it again.

quiet down

lips are sealed
eyes are tightly shut
i have no idea what is coming next
but i guess that doesn't really matter much
because i know what is not coming

you aren't
we aren't.
us is only a figment of my hopeless romantic imagination
it's locked away in that part of my mind, my memory and thoughts...
where dreams are made
right before you hit that deep sleep
you know what i'm talking about, don't you?
when you relax your body
and your heart starts to calm
the time when you stop telling yourself "bedtime"
and you are actually dozing off...
that's where we are hidden

now i suffer from insomnia
and i can't visit that place anymore
i can't speak of those thoughts anymore
because really, they don't exist anymore
not for lack of love
but because i am having to force against MY human nature to quiet them down
to silence what i feel in order to save what may never...
well never say never, but you get my point

quiet down i say
quiet down the i miss yous and can't stop thinking about yous
keep to myself the you are the most beautifuls
because i have to keep my lips sealed
and my eyes tightly shut for you now

ironic isn't it?
to love me so deeply for who i am
and now ask of me to silence the intimate parts that you made love to
i felt alive because i was me
no changing that, and you never dreamed of it
but today, tomorrow, and forever in the future
i have to quiet down.

Amatuer

i'm no pro...but i am trying to get the hang of it all.

in response to your letter...

dear love,
for so long you left me breathless, and im fine with that....
but now that you are gone i have to catch my breath again and i just don't want to.
i don't want to accept that you left, that we are not 'we' anymore...
the only evidence of you is my broken shell, the empty space where my heart use to live.
i don't smell you in my sheets anymore, i tried not to wash them to keep you with me longer...
but my tears soaked through them so i had no choice.

i go through my days remembering when love still lived here.
in these walls, in our home.
i remember how our love tasted, how smooth and guided my life was.
i never knew love, we were strangers.
and when i finally met it, i held on tight to be sure that it wouldn't slip away.
love, you made me relevant, valid, you made my existence.
with each day, it was stronger, deeper more raw than anything i could ever know.
love, you were my best friend, my security, my night light.
where did you go?
i hope you find your way back to me, my arms are open,waiting for the warmth that you are.


i never wanted to know life without you,
please dont make me have to...

always,
me.

Marco...Polo...

Where did you go?  I looked up and you had already gone.
You were just here, filling my space with your smell...
warming my soul with your smile....

We miss you here, please...come back.

always,
your heart.