late night diary entry

my eyes have stopped crying... so my mind floats in tears...anticipating release
anxiety sets in and yet movement is impossible.
staring out into nothing, my eyes are open...lazy and glazed over
i cant see, i cant hear because my pain is deafening, heart shrieking.....
falling is eternal, but recripocal love is not.
i learn that the hardest way with every breath.
its as if my soul has been held hostage in the idea of it and my body perishes in the reality.

the scent of burning sage and ciggarette linger at my nose
strong and potent and still the only thing i smell is salt water tears.
connfusing memories with what 'could be'
pretending that promises actually mean something.
my word is all i have left.....
and my tongue will not allow me to speak.
better suited in silence so that i can peacefully will my heart into healing.

rambled thoughts

to say that i am empty is to accept that i have been robbed of myself...blindfolded, bound in my sleep while i was dreaming of tomorrows...but empty is what i am. so i sit here, of sound mind, and confirm mentally what i have emotionally lacked.  And physically....physically i have hunched in ache.  an ache that has no resloution.  my prognosis unknown because no one has ever seen this kind of hurt before. in a way comforting, it hasn't solely confused me, i am not alone in the mystery of why and how.  i have nothing holding my thoughts together to make sense of it.  i scramble for what does not exist and pray for clarity.  im waiting...

*index finger to lips*

For a long time now I have thought about deleting my blog.  I've lacked the emotional drive, mental strength and physical will to move fingers over keys to produce anything at all.  It's not that I don't feel, but it's kind of like I don't feel.  I don't know how to place words together anymore, I don't know how to dive deep and create anymore.  My ability to write has been stunted.  I have been told to not express myself, that my emotions are too much.  The one I was once able to talk to for hours has silenced me into a corner with no room to grow.  I have been infintely "shhhd" and now even my blog suffers because I have been quiet for so long that I lost the words that I wanted to say.  My blog is the only thing that listens, and I have nothing to tell it.  So now I hold my index finger to my lips and silence myself for a while.

and i wonder...

if im thinking about you...i wonder if that means im on your mind too. and if i am...are we thinking the same things?  simultaneously wondering what each other is doing, thinking, feeling....does it mean that we miss each one another? i often wonder if anyone will 'get me' the way you did....doubtful.  not sure that kind of thing can be repeated in a lifetime.  glad it happened with you though.  and with that being said, does that mean i will forever be misunderstood because you beat them to it?  will an over-sized question mark reside over my head (metaphorically speaking of course) and only fade away in the presence of you?  if so, i wonder if anyone will ever get you either?  the way i did...fit the way we fit...talk our talk, dance our dance, sing our songs.  is it even possible to have the love of a lifetime....twice? maybe....if when we die we are reincarnated into who we were 3 years ago (nearly to the day)...and i wonder if that was possible would we love each other doubly deep and twice as thick?  and i cant help but wonder.........

elle-oh-vee-e

Love is never fickle.  It is thick like brick walls and morning fog....conquering and fearless.... it is the existence of passion and lack of regret.  Love is that which makes us human.  (random thought)

its not you, its me.

i couldnt resist the cliche because it so accurately illustrates my state of mind.  its not you, its me.... well really....it was girlfriend X.....she instilled this bitter emotion deep in my roots and here i stand stuck with the residue of love on my tongue.  ive tried gargling with anger and rinsing with tequila, but still it stains my memory like red wine.  she is the red lipstick on my collar that i couldnt wash clean...and of course the easy resolution would be to try on a new shirt, toss the red lipped one aside and shape a new style....but i keep it tucked away in the back of my drawer.  i find myself pretending to forget that i still have it....i look where its hidden for something when in reality i yearn for the glimpse of that full red lip print....like just one glance and my world will be right side up again.  silly of me to think that would fix my world right?

its not you, its me....
so please dont take offense, just know that i am saving you from any future of wasting your time, smart ass remarks, canceled dates, stories about her and your own tear soaked pillows.  sounds harsh, i know sorry about that.  dont take it personally.....because really, its not you, its me.



*originated sometime after a lifetime of break-ups

i want to write something profound

i think that i need to start reading more, or maybe learn a new word everyday because lately...i have been feeling all used up.  my words arent what i need them to be, they arent illustrating/depicting/describing what i need them to.  they just seem to be letters lined up next to each other with no significance.  i feel like a painter using only grey paint on an already grey canvas....nothing stands out.  my diction should be abundant.  there are only 3 million things happening in my life all at once, you would think that i have something to say about it all.  but i dont, i got nothin'. flatlined and in desparate need of a jump start....see not even those analogies worked together.  i dont want to jinx myself, but i think i lost my mojo.  i got sucked into this morbid routine and have adapted to the tunnelvision that is school and work.  i need to be delivered into change, whether i feel as though i am ready or not.  my fingers used to dance so freely over keys, creating something that i could be proud of...words that people might want to read a few times, but sitting here in this moment, i am blank.  this entry in itself is just gibberish, insignificant letters piggy-backing other letters forming irrelevant words met with commas and periods for pause, just in case a valid thought comes to my mind......(insert valid thought here.....still waiting)  

** currently searching for my lost mojo